Communication Problems In Marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

1. QUESTION:
   Communication in marriage?
   My husband and I lack communication. I am a talker to get through problems, he isn't. He handles stress silently, I am one that needs to verbalize how I feel. He thinks when I try to "talk" about something (no matter the approach), that I'm annoying. Finances are something I want to communicate about, he tries to ignore our debt and thinks it'll just all be ok. There is a HUGE communication problem in our marriage. We saw a counselor one time and after that, he said it was stupid and never went again. I continued going alone. Any suggestions of what I can do to help make this better? I am scared if we stay like this we'll divorce..and I don't want that.

   • ANSWER:
     I know what you mean I am in the exact same boat, try telling him exactly how he is making you feel...let him know that this will cause a huge drift between the both of you. If he doesn't care then you need to get out because it will get worse, you will end u resenting him.

2. QUESTION:
   I am in a relationship with no communication, but yes we talk. i have dragged him to marriage councillors?
   There is no communication in my marriage, but we talk. He mostly like talking the trivial things but when it comes to real life issues , he now walks out on me. He used just to sit and stare at me or fall asleep. He would rather talk to everybody else other than me. Unsolved issues have piled up and he tells me that i should just move on. He is extremely defensive when you try to discuss or resolve an issue with him , thats if he decides to respond. Marriage councillors have told us the same thing : the need to communicate but it has not made any difference in a positive way. I have come to a desparate moment. When i relate to other people he accuses me of being close to those people more than him. He does not think for the family or at least for his child, when i bring ideas they are met with such resistance. At times i feel i like am going into depression and telling him that does not mean anything to him. This has gone on for 7 years. I feel sorry for him too much, i have thought of leaving so many times and just get stuck. The best thing he will talk about is when he wants to be intimate and then he shuts down after that. What do i hang on for if there will not be communication. her child is starting school soon and as usual he does have much to say or plan .

   • ANSWER:
     From personal experience I think most of his problems started at home.As a family we never discussed anything and growing up I found it very hard to communicate with girls.Not that I did not have girl friends,I did but found it very hard going.You get married and along comes a baby.All the attention revolves around the baby,both with family and friends and the father feels shut out.Along with the marriage you have to face all sorts of problems,work,finance etc.something you have never dealt with before and you don't know how to cope.You feel too embarrassed to talk about it so you shut it away.I think the worst thing is trying to make him see a counsellor.He needs help alright and so do you.If you could only find a third party,one you both really trust to come in and give you some practical advice.I got my uncle[god father]to help me.With help your husband will see the light and realise there is more to a marriage than sex.Marriage councillors became our no.1 enemy.They might just as well sat there with a book and read out of it.We are individuals and need individual help.Give him time and I am sure everything will be fine.Good luck

3. QUESTION:
   is there any point staying in a marriage where theres no communication even if there are children involved?
   ok so if i am unhappy about something my husband does or has done i try to talk to him as kindly as possible to try to reslove the issue. I tend to leave small issues (such as his leaving socks lying around) alone and only pick up on the big issues (such as him yelling, hitting and swearing at the kids). however when i do try to discuss these issues he is impossible to get through to. i always try to say positive things to him when i want to discuss his behaviour towards the kids but it just doesnt help. he always has a few choice phrases he likes to throw at me such as:
   1) oh thats right, blame me'
   2) yes im the one in the wrong (sarcastically)
   3) they are little shits but have a go at me
   4) they should know not to piss me off (they are all 10 and under so how can they know)
   5)i am so shit i am a shit father (sarcastically)

   and so it goes. theres always a sarcastic comment or he will turn it back on himself or twist it round so it ends up being a discussion about something else (usually what he thinks is wrong with me) or he just will not talk about it. its the same if i wanna discuss the fact that we have nothing in common (no major life goals or hobbies or anything much other than some similar music taste) and when i asked him where he sees himself in 5 years he said "i dunno". i feel i cant say anything because everything i bring up big or small starts a disagreement usually where he ends up accusing me of starting an argument and shouting at him (to him i only have to raise my voice slightly or get passionate about something to be accused of shouting) i feel i have to keep my mouth/ears/eyes shut all the time and wonder whats the point of living my life like this. i do my best to keep his home immaculate good dinners on the table and the children quiet (for a man in his late 30's he acts like its the 1950's) but even so theres still something he finds to moan about while i cant complain about anything especially if he is involved. he takes no responsibility for what happens to him in life either as his view is that no matter what happens its always caused by someone or something else, nothing in life is ever anyones fault according to him. i like to take some responsibility for my life, i feel everyone has at least some control of their lives unlike him.
   yes, we have had marriage counselling, the counsellor found it hard to get through to him she told him to his face he is too defensive. she tried to get me to change my ways with him (the idea being if he sees me change he will know i am trying and he will try) and i did what she asked but it did not work due to his defensive nature. this was a marriage counsellor he chose, but he did not want her to help him.

   • ANSWER:
     The reasons as to why relationships work can be as much to do with the differences as the "commonalities" , but since no relationship is complete without mutual communication , i think you have answered your own question.....NO hun there is no point.

     Yes it is hard when children are involved, but by staying in a loveless marriage, what are you teaching them ?

     You almost sound at times like you are the responsible adult and your husband is the child.
     The dynamics in your relationship have obviously changed from when you first got together, perhaps he is as he has always been and you have "grown" out of him.
     Regardless, it takes two to make a relationship work.

     If your husband can't or is incapable or giving you what you now need in the relationship, and you feel you have exhausted all your options, then it is time to move on.

     It won't be easy to go it alone with the kids and God knows its scary (been there done that), but your life and eventually the kids life, could be so much better for it.
     Who knows it may even be the catalyst for your husband to finally face his own demons and start making the necessary changes to rebuild your marriage. Good luck_()_

4. QUESTION:
   Big Communication Problems In My Marriage. What to do?
   I have been married for almost 5 years (together with my hubby for a 9 years). We have two children , 4 and 9 months. Hes a great guy and I love him dearly. But there are some serious communication issues that are not going away. He has always been reserved about talking about his feelings -its like pulling teeth! When we were dating he seemed to be getting better and better at it so I assumed the longer we were married, the easier it would get because we would be so close and he would grow.

   Well, thats not the case. And I am very unhappy. Half the time I cant tell what he is thinking or feeling and if I ask he does not share. he either mumbles something inaudible or gives me a one sentence answer. If we have sex he NEVER asks what pleases me. Hes not rough or anything, just not focused on my pleasure. It all goes back to communication. I do not feel that we are connected because this piece is missing and I am finding it harder and harder to ignore.

   I also find that I am taking charge in many areas, to the point where I feel like I do everything. I remind him to do things (for the house and stuff) and he forgets, doesnt do them and I have to take over. Its making me resentful because I feel like I do everything. We never go out together because we dont have a baby sitter so there is no US time.

   Anyway, there are quite a few issues here and I am just tired. We dont fight, but the communication sucks and I want more out of a relationship. What do I do? I could suggest counseling: I dont know if he will go. He is a great guy all in all. There are some big pieces missing. I dont even like to think about what breaking up would do to my 4 year old. But the fact that I am even thinking THAT just illustrates how unhappy I continue to grow in this situation...
   I am not ready to leave. I dont expect to be happy 24 hours a day. Communication is a big thing in marriage and if you dont have that then you are screwed;everyone knows that. I am just looking for feedback from others who have had this experience.
   I do stand up for myself and I try to talk to him and he just mumbles. We have kids so I cant always sit around and wait for him to do things I ask. For example, I was 9 months pregnant and gave birth the week the taxes were due. Did he do them instead? NO! Things like this are important. I am no door mat, believe me. I just want to have a connection with my husband. I dont expect him to talk me to death (I know women talk more), but I would rather not have him mumbling when I ask him a question about something serious.
   You are so right. I made the cardinal mistake. He is just so great and seemed to be working hard on the communication thing, I just thought it would just keep growing. Wrong! I am so sad now; I cant see not being with him..but I also cant see living like this forever. I havent talked to him about it in a long time but I will try again. He gets upset when I bring it up and it generally goes nowhere but I will try.
   Thank you everyone. I appreciate the feedback. I think I just married an immature man. He has grown but not enough for me to be consistently happy. I am sad. this is scary. We have kids.

   • ANSWER:
     "I assumed the longer we were married, the easier it would get because we would be so close and he would grow." That's your problem right there. The man you married on your wedding day is the same man you're going to have to be married to the rest of your life.

     Does he understand how much this bothers you? I would try explaining this to him first, if you haven't already. If he isn't listening to you at all, try counseling. If he won't go at first, you can go by yourself, and then he might be more open to the idea of going later on.

5. QUESTION:
   I just asked my husband if he wants an open marriage.Lots of details please read before answering that I cheat?
   Before we got married he constantly talked of a friend or two of his that were swingers. On the trip up to where he lives after we got married, I asked him this question, "Do you want an open relationship?" But I answered for him because I was scared, nervous, and just starting out this marriage thing. How I answered for him was I got tense and almost angry and said that swinging was cheating and it was basically horrible and wrong and just not good. He got an almost angry/sad look on his face and said "no" very quietly and that's when almost all communication in our marriage just stopped on a dime.

   My email, (he's in another country right now), asked this question again, and said that we could talk about it.

   Do I want one...HELL NO. Do I want him to be happy and communicate with me, HELL YES.
   Without communication I feel like the relationship is already over, and now and even way before he left on his trip, I had no sex drive, but was always "THERE", if he wanted it. He's capable of getting it up without me being all into it obviously. I love him and I want happiness for both of us.

   Any tips?
   If he replies that he wants one what do I do?
   If he keeps denying that he wants one what do I do?
   Most answers so far are exactly what I've been telling myself. Before that conversation in the car we talked for over an hour every night. WE...don't talk anymore, I talk and he answers, and maybe says hi or bye or I love you randomly when we haven't talked in a while. Communication went from 100% a ok wonderful nothing more I could ask for to NOTHING basically, and only after this conversation about swinging.
   The reason I knew these friends/couples he knew were swingers, is because every time he would bring them up, he would purposely mention that they were swingers. I should have put two and two together but I'm a Christian, and he is a Christian and it never crossed my mind that swinging or having an open marriage was something he even considered an option.
   Christians don't ask the other Christian they are going to marry if they want to have sex with other people, it's simply something that doesn't happen.
   Who said anything about jealousy? I'm disghusted that he thinks it's ok to go stick his "stick" into anyone he pleases, and that I am supposed to be ok when he comes home and wants to stick it back in me.

   The scared feelings and anger were a result of our marriage exactly a week before that conversation, we moved up to where he lived exactly a week afterwards. How was I supposed to feel?
   To provide a better timeline, we've been married for 10 months. 9 months ago we stopped talking. 9 months ago my sex drive died, and now I'm finding it a bit of a chore to continue hoping he will just maybe find his voice box again and use it to do more than answer questions I ask him.
   jimm-
   The first time or this last time? Either one no different, this last time asking I sounded as if I was interested in it, as well as interested in whether or not he wanted it, and didn't treat it like such a horrible thing.
   I am sincerely hoping that it helps things in our marriage, because I know from my end, it's miserable, more miserable than if he'd confess to having another wife or being gay or that he's cheated from day one. Feels like a nurse is taking blood and keeps moving the needle around in my arm, after 9 months of that you probably want to rip the needle out and then slit your wrist into a gallon bucket and shove the blood in her face. I just wish this "limbo" our marriage seems to be in would stop.
   I hate people who can't read and/or have no reading comprehension. I had no sex drive after communication stopped. From hundreds of websites I've read to figure out WTheck is wrong with me I've learned that for some women it goes out the window when there is no communication.

   We were friggen rabbits before that, he slept for an entire day after the 4 day honeymoon. Well 16 hours anyhow.

   Yes, I deceived him into the marriage lol! How do you get that from anything I've said? There should be a "thumbs up" a "thumbs down" and a "just plain funny" button after every answer! Thanks for the laugh!
   It's obvious few people know anything more about true Christian beliefs, than how to spell it. And by what I've said here it seems as if I neglect my faith. I'd rather let him do whatever he wanted, BUT SAFELY and NOT LYING about it, and me staying in the real "Marriage"; than getting divorced. For those of you who asked if there are children involved, there are, but thank heavens both of them are too young to know what's going on right now.
   This hasn't just effected our communication, it's effected our sex life, and frankly my respect for him.
   He answered my question this morning, said nothing about the communication comments I made but stated he didn't want anyone else. While that is supposed to make me feel all warm and gooey inside, it doesn't fix major problem one or two. 1 being we say maybe 10 words to each other a day when we are in the same house, and 2 most likely an effect of 1, sex has become something I don't want, not only with him but with anyone.......
   if this helps get the point across I will be blunt. His spit= the only lubrication before intercourse. I do get aroused, but not in the 5.2 seconds he expects. I'm under 25 so it's not a hormone problem. He just doesn't take the time. YES, I have asked him to, and YES, I have told him sex is painful to me because he doesn't take his time. His problem solving involves spitting into his palm and then rubbing it on himself. Before, a few weeks into our marriage this wasn't a problem, there was plenty of foreplay and PLENTY of self produced lube. I feel like he looks at me as if I'm a robot; cook, clean, wash the dishes, and then screw me on a whim. Did I mention that I haven't had an orgasm since our honeymoon?
   YES, I agree with those of you who say we need counseling, but I don't want to embarass him. But I don't want to sleep with him at all anymore. No pleasure, always pain, no communication, a fight if he has to wash the dishes once a month. What the hell am I? His mother?

   • ANSWER:
     First of all these are the things my husband and I discussed before marriage. What we considered cheating, what was inappropriate, what we both think about open marriages, threesomes... everything.

     We were on the same page. Then we both evolved or maybe he noticed I like porn with all chicks and no guys.. Maybe when I was telling him I wanted more *us* time and something was missing he read into it in a way that I didn't realize. Either way, involving a 3rd party in our relationship (which has only been discussed not done) would be to enhance an already good relationship.

     You don't have an open marriage without already having great communication, trust, self esteem... If you are insecure or your relationship is already rocky... you will destroy what is left.

     Not to mention you are a Christian. This goes against everything you believe in. Stop pushing for an open marriage if that is not what you want. I would have never been so foolish as to suggest something I couldn't do.

     You both need to be in marriage counseling. You need to open the communication. It is actually in your hands. Tell him you don't want to know just yet if an open marriage is something he is interested in. First you want things to improve in your relationship. An open marriage is something you do to enhance your lives together not something you use as a last ditch effort to save a failing marriage.

     Seriously.. Start making the effort with him now. Tell him what you need and explain to him why you flipped out about the open marriage conversation before. That way he can understand why you acted this way. -He should get it on some level. My husband is practically a mind reader and understood why one minute I could be checking out bartenders with him and the next tell him "I am way too selfish to see you with someone else." He gets it and goes at my pace. You and your husband need to be on the same page too. Even if in the end it means no open marriage. Because seriously, you are going to hate him if he takes you up on the offer.

6. QUESTION:
   dealing with infidelity?
   I just found out that after 6 months of not having sex with my husband...and no communication....our marriage was almost at an end anyways....but I always had the hope that we would make it through anything.....my husband slept with a girl from his work..in his new truck to boot! He says it means nothing. We have an 11 month old son....he keeps saying that I drove him to it. I will take blame for some of our marriage problems...but not for him sleeping with someone else. A bigger and braver person would have just left....I feel he took the easy way out. Now we are trying to decide if there is something worth saving....or should we just call it quits....is this a proper apology...."I'm sorry I slept with _____, but you drove me too it." He is not taking responsibility for what he did...how can I even begin to think about forgiving him when he doesn't think he did anything wrong???!!!

   • ANSWER:
     No, it's not a proper apology. That's an excuse. An apology is where you take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge the harm you've done - "I'm sorry that I did ______ because it was the wrong thing to do and I was wrong to hurt you that way." Proper apologies help people deal with their feelings - excuses can come later, if and when people want to understand "why" things happened. Finally, just because your husband cheated, doesn't mean that your marriage can't be saved. Many couples are able to grow closer after the discovery of infidelity. Doing so, however, requires communication skills that many couples lack. So, counseling is almost alway needed.

7. QUESTION:
   To move on or not, THAT is the question?
   My boyfriend of about 3 years is the guy I, at times, could see myself settling down with. When it comes to "US" theres no talking or planning of the future. Im not asking for marriage. simply communication- goals. His favorite answer is "I dont know" We both have kids so 3 years is a long time to still not know what you MIGHT plan to do in the future. He used to be my best friend but now Im just bored. I just dont know how long Im supposed to be ignored and still try with the relationship. Im wondering if hes just the patient, watch your life go by, turn around and wonder what happened kinda guy or if Im being impatient. My future plans are not to be at a stand still, sitting on the couch, and going out to drink or to a movie on the weekends. He left his comp on as he passed out b4 we got to fuck, I read the threesome question he asked and kinda thought...I dont think he appreciates me. Someone out there give him/us some advice. I love him, but I cant plan our/my life by myself.

   • ANSWER:
     Move on, dead ends go nowhere.

8. QUESTION:
   When you are having marriage issues is it common to think of an ex?
   My husband and I have had marital issues for a long time and we are on the verge of a divorce. I just haven’t got the heart to split my family, we have two children together. We have been married for 6 years and our entire marriage we have had no communication and my husband hasn't done anything to support me with my career or our children. I’m to the point where I’m ok with getting a divorce and I know it’s the only answer. I'm not in love with him it’s just a matter of time when I feel I am stable enough to leave, and stable I mean financial able to support myself with two children. Selfish maybe but I’m realistic.
   The problem I am dealing with is I dated a guy before my husband and we were going to marry. I know he was the love of my life and I can't stop thinking about him. He and I have called each other over the past 9 years just to say hi but this only happened once or twice a year. He is now married and he no longer calls but we run into each other now and then and I know there is still a flame between us. His wife has cheated on him and I know his marriage is going downhill from what I hear. I found a picture of him the other day not even looking for it and my heart ached after looking at him. I want to know if others have ever had this type of problem, and how did you handle living without the love you let get away?

   • ANSWER:
     I would say wait until you are stable enough to file for a divorce. Then wait and see if his marriage also ends.

     If he is still interested in you and you in him then take it slow and see what happens.

     Don't do anything now while you are both still married. It will not look good for either one of you when you do file for the divorce.

     Best of luck. You have a good head on your shoulders and I know you will do the right thing for you and your children.

9. QUESTION:
   In need of a strangers advice?
   I am having serious doubts about my marriage and I would rather have an outsiders point of view instead of someone close. Close friends and family can be biased at times.

   Is there a "Normal" woman out there? All I really demand in a marriage is communication! thats it, is that to much to ask. I can plainly see there is something bothering her and I ask, "Whats wrong." Her response..... "Nothing" and bitchy about it. she tells me I am mis reading her and I am just "Nuts." After a couple days of her treating me like dirt she comes out and blows up at me instead of talking it out when I ask. She makes me feel like crap, like I am not understanding her and maybe mis reading her only to find out later, I was right. #2. This our both 2nd marriage, I have custody of my 3 kids, she has her 2 and we have 1 together. Of course it was rough at first but the kids adjusted (Almost.) When it comes to disipline it is a joke. I say n othing when one of my kids acts up and she yells, however, when it comes to her son, he can do no wrong. He never listens to me, is dissrespectfull and just flat out ignores me. Example, bed time comes around, the other 5 kids come around and give hugs and kisses and say goodnight, he just goes to her and thats it. He is 11 years old and I cant stand him. How sad is that! The biggest problem iss my wife does nothing about it. She ignores it and blames me. If I say he is grounded for stealing (Yep) she wont listen, he can do whatever he wants. I can disipline her daughter no problems, but her son... forget it, I am always in the wrong.
   this has been a problem for years now with no change. The final straw was today. I asked him to do something he refused. I told him to stay in his room until he cleand his mess. My wife returnes home I explained to her what happend and what I told him to do and she rolles her eyes at me and said I always do this! Later in the day while I was talking to a complete stranger at our yard sale, she just comes right out and called me Fat. I have never been so embarassed in my life, worst part is she wasnt joking.

   I work in a very stressfull job. All the kids are in school and she dosnt activly seek work, she wont even clean the damn house. She stays at home on the computer all day, no dishes done nothing. When the kids get home she makes them clean instead! I am at the point in my life right now to where I am thinking of a DIVORCE again! I cant stand the idea of a second divorce, but I just dont know what to do anymore.

   Can somebody here please offer some advice? Close friends and family can only offer one sided help saying "Leave her ass." I think at this point I would rather see what a stranger with no ties to me says, even if it is the same thing, please help. I dont feel I ask to much, if she isnt working, why not clean the house, she is home all day for gods sake!

   • ANSWER:
     talk to your pastor....... or go and get some counseling... nothing unhealthy about either choice.

10. QUESTION:
    Wife will not compromise or communicate?
    I am 43 years old and have been married to my wife for 22 years and we have three children together (girls 13 & 5, boy 10). We have had problems communicating in the past but this is a whole new level for us. My wife is constantly yelling at and critizing our children and myself about everything. She is never in a good mood which leads me to the conclusion she is depressed. She spends most of her time on facebook and in her (our) bedroom with the television full blast. I try to talk to her about anything (kids, house, money, us) to try and find out what is bringing her down. The usual response if the spotlight is turned on her or her actions is "whatever!" and she storms up to her room and slams the door. When she resurfaces she acts like there wasn't even a conversation. My wife is 40 years old give me a break.

    She must have everything her way on her timing. No compromise at all on most things. She has worked the last couple of years (RN) after being a stay at home Mom for the previous 10 years. She is constantly complaining about all her aches and pains. I do all the yardwork, 90% of the housework is done by the kids and me. She refuses to cook most nights so it is either take out or my daughters and I cooking when I get home from work. I work fulltime and have always provided for my children and wife. I am constantly reminded that I am not rich especially when the bills are being paid or the children ask for something to be purchased for them.

    We tried marriage counseling last fall for about 3 months and it seemed to be improving our marriage and her relationship with our children. I wanted her to at least understand how the children feel about her and the effects on them based on the way she interacts with them. However, "she" decided that "we" didn't need to go to counseling anymore even though I stated to her we still had some things in our marriage and family that needed to be resolved. The worse part about the situation is she is losing any chance at a loving relationship with our oldest daughter and son. They are beginning to realize that the criticisms and back handed compliments that come from their mother are not their doing. I have poured alot of energy into playing peacemaker over the last couple of years with my wife and our children but it has gotten worse over time. My son has been getting headaches alot lately and when I talk to him about them he says they start when my wife starts yelling at him. I have seen her bully and belittle him to the point of tears. My oldest daughter has told me on several occasions that she feels sad when she goes over to any of her friends' houses because she wants a normal Mom and daughter relationship with her mother. She is also developing some stomach problems lately which I contribute to the constant arguing and fighting with her mother over trivial things. A couple of weeks ago I brought up counseling again and of course "we" don't need it because "she" doesn't want to go.

    To me no compromise or communication equals no marriage. What do you think?
    One other thing I need to add; we have not been intimate for over 6 months. And yes I have tried candles, bubble baths, massages and date nights. Her response: I'm too tired, headache,.....(insert excuse here).

    • ANSWER:
      if you strongly feel the love for her -then live with these $hit for the rest of your life.
      if you are tired with all these mess -file a DIVORCE.

11. QUESTION:
    this is what he wants for marital separation...THERE IS NO HOPE IS THERE?
    this is what he wants for our marital separation. 1-8 are what experts say are guides to marital separation.

    1. Communicate expectations and set ground rules.

    ^^ he wants total separation basically. i feel i can call him in the event of an emergency, otherwise, it's awkward. sometimes he even accuses me of making up emergencies to spend time with him. he told me he will not come home and will continue to live at his friends house for an indefinate amount of time. he doesn't want a time limit. he will call whenever and stop by whenever to see the baby. for his caller ID on the cell he changed it from "my love" to my first name...ouch...that really hurt to. he said he doesnt want to divorce right now and that he is not cheating.

    2. Set an agreed upon time line for temporary marriage separation and frequency of communication. Make sure that both parties agree to interact and commit to working on the cause of the marriage problems and possible solutions to expedite the healing process.

    he doesn't want a time line for how long we will be separated. he doesnt want to commit to any type of communication schedule. he wants to call me whenever. he doesnt want me to call him him. he practically keeps tracks of the hours he spends with me and how many times i have called. as far as interacting...he wants it to be when he wants to interact. in his eyes the cause of the marriage problems are all my fault. the solution is for me to change and i am supposed to prove this to him that i wont irritate him or make him mad or he wont come home.

    3. Establish a balanced visitation schedule for the children that doesn’t alienate them from one parent or another.

    he doesnt want to commit to a visitation schedule. he wants a key to our home to come and go as he pleases.

    4. Continue parenting as a team. It will be very difficult for a child to understand that the marriage separation will only be temporary. Maintaining a positive outlook and attitude will help ease the pain and confusion for the children.

    there is no team parenting, i will be doing it all. he will be more like a guest who can take off when it gets tough. right now, he definately doesnt want to live together any time in the near future. i dont know how to have a positive outlook with this.

    5. Use the time apart to work on your behaviors that contributed to the marriage problems. Examine what your needs and expectations were in the beginning and how they’ve changed as the marriage progressed.

    i am seeing a counselor. he is going out to the bars and clubs every night with his friends. my needs and expectations are not recognized. every time i try to talk about what i need, he gets defensive, angry, shuts down communication, wont talk to me for days to weeks and says that i always "change the plans." he feels the need to be single. to do what he wants, when he wants. he wants me waiting for him.

    6. Make a concerted effort to learn and listen without being defensive. Focus on working together to find solutions rather than fixing blame.

    every time i try to talk to him about the marriage he shuts down. he blames me.

    7. If the emotional separation becomes overwhelming, seek out professional counseling to help overcome from the pain, anger and other overarching emotions that will make it far more difficult to communicate effectively.

    i am seeing a counselor to figure out what to do. he wont go with me.

    8. Concentrate on changing your own behavior. Take consistent actions to demonstrate love for each other.

    i am working on my behavior. i'm failing at showing him i love him. in his eyes i feel, the way to show him love is to stay away from him.

    • ANSWER:
      No, there is no hope for any woman to be able to tolerate a condemning, controlling man like that. Do not allow him to keep a key to your home. Don't bother trying to call or contract him. See a counselor if you feel the need, but see a divorce lawyer, too. This guy is unbelievable and you need to move on to a new and different life without him.

12. QUESTION:
    I was drinking a glass of wine, my husband came home early, I am busted. What do I do?
    I had cancer and the chemo damaged my liver. My doctor told me not to drink alcohol because I needed to save my liver for when I get cancer again. My enzymes levels are fine.

    The doctor also told me the kind of cancer I would get is 100% fatal (but not painful). There is currently no cure for it. Maybe in the future.

    My marriage sucks. No communication, no sex, no fighting anymore. I am being treated for depression and in therapy but I feel trapped. I cannot leave. I tried.

    I think if I want to have a glass of wine once in a while it's my funeral. I know this sounds like alcoholic logic. Maybe I am one. Maybe I am in danger of becoming one.

    My husband hides his drinking which is one drink a day by drinking out of a coffee cup. That doesn't justify my hiding and by omission lying. I hid it by having a glass in the afternoon or when I go out once a month with my girlfriends. Minimizing, I know.

    I have a 14 year old daughter, which is reason enough not to drink or hide my drinking. An 18 year old male picked her up and had her chug tequila. My husband has made it clear that because he caught me drinking a glass of wine, I am now the cause of what happened to her.

    So I threw out the wine bottle. I won't drink alcohol anymore. No big deal. Period. I have gone up to 5 years without any wine or beer when I was pregnant, nursing, undergoing three years of chemo, or happy.

    But how do I deal with my husband? He is going to torture me with this. He is going to search my room, car, everywhere. I can barely live with him before this. I feel like running away.

    Should I go to my daughter's soccer game where he is? He has to control his anger in public. But then he gets in a rage when he gets me alone.

    Help me.

    • ANSWER:
      I am so sorry about your cancer
      what i think you should do is find a private and alone time for you and your husband to talk. Tell him how you feel. Explain that it's not your fault some random guy made your daughter do that. Yes, you should go to the soccer game. The game isn't about you and your husband but rather about your daughter. She needs you both to cheer her on, because every son or daughter loves to look into the stands and see their parents sitting side by side smiling and proud.

      If you can handle not drinking (virgin margaritas might help instead of real ones) Explain to your husband that he should trust you. Marriage is about trust and communication, and you need to tell him that. Both of you need to communicate with each other about your concerns, worries, needs, wants, etc. Your relationship shouldn't be this way, where you don't want to see him or talk to him.That's not what marriage is about.
      Clear the air with each other by a private chat. Calm him and explain how you feel and your feelings.
      Also, you need to understand that you have people who love you and care for you, like your husband and daughter and relatives, and reading your question, obviously you are not a heavy, out of control drinker. If you continue to drink, it is sending a message to those you love, like ,"I don't care, I want to drink, and I don't care that the doctor said not to." Just give up drinking, it might taste good, but have other drinks instead such as Starbucks lattes, frappachinos, coffee, root beer floats, soda, etc. These will help. Also have virgin drinks and do not go to areas which will tempt you into drinking and pressure you.
      I hope I helped and I hope everything goes well with your family. God bless and I will be praying for you.

13. QUESTION:
    Do you think that there is a resolution to this major issue within our marriage?
    Long story short.....
    We moved into my in laws house after a financial downfall.
    When we got there I had felt defeated , very insecure, very unstable.
    My wife had a job ( her and the kids moved there for a few weeks before i did so i could stay back and work).
    I moved down there , was unable to use the vehicle that her family is letting her use.
    We were unable to get insurance on the vehicle and get a mailing address. I was unable to use the mailing address.
    After about a week of being there, I felt as if the in laws were threatnening the marriage due to certain events that took place. I had expected my wife to say something to her family about allowing me to use the address so i could get a job or help get some insurance on our truck.
    Nothing came from this....
    Every time my wife and I would try to discuss something the in laws had to butt in.
    I felt very unwelcomed there, and ,my wife and i were constantly argueing over her parents.
    We chose a day to move out, my wife had made a comment of feeling like she was running away and left the room.
    I was packing our stuff. two hours elapsed and my wife asked if i wanted to leave. I left. We argued ( fallout of marriage?) .
    Now i lost everything, and my wife is barely speaking to me ( once in a great while).

    Due to my own nsecurity (which i have since reconsiled within and realised that it is mainly due to the communication issues why we even had financial issues, and why we landed into her parents home).
    I am working my but off at a job, and working my butt off at trying to secure my wife in our marriage.
    My wife has denied marriage counseling, is hardly speaking to me, still is mourning and grieving...
    I fear that it may all be over, and yet i am still trying to find a way to get through to her.
    I am no longer angry or hurt. I have found my sense of security and I know without question that I love her.
    I am not perfect and I took things for granted, that should of never been taken for granted.
    I feel like she over stepped a boundary and i focused on that for a while. I also over stepped a boundary and went out with another women.
    I did this out of sheer shock , insecurity, and fear of it happening to me due to the shock factor of how we separated.
    I have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life.
    What happened and can this be resolved???
    Please mature answers, I can handle it.
    We have been separated for 6 months, noone has filed divorce papers ( that i know of) she says she isn't leaving me but is not talking to me at the moment. When we do talk we have normal conversations now. I am not pressing the issue that we need to work together on getting a place cause that leads to an arguement.
    We have had a great marriage and been together for 8 years. She asked for space then threw a fit when i didnt talk to her for two days. So i am confused. Also her parents are not supportive of the relationship there is quite alot of manipulative behaviour going on from her parents.
    Thank you brook. It was a date and it lasted 15 minutes . Before I had even finished my hamburger. I had told her that she wasnt my wife and that it wont work out.
    Brooke*
    Thank you Craig. I felt defeated at the time we moved there.
    My wife had told me two weeks after being there that her ex husband and her had similiar issues with her parents.
    Thank you Max. By the way there is an issue of distance due to miles ( now emotions as well).
    I currently reside 400 miles away.

    • ANSWER:
      Her parents don't seem to like/trust you or respect you. This is why they are not allowing you to use their mail or whatever else you mentioned. They butt in because you are with their daughter and they feel they have a right to (they don't and they should mind their business).

      As for your wife, it sounds to me like she was unhappy with you and probably wanted space to get on her feet. If you are seperated, fine. But you are still married. Going out with another woman, to me, is not saying you love your wife. My husband and I seperated before, for about two months. We still lived together, but he lived in the downstairs apartment and I lived on the main floor. He never went out with anyone, because he screwed up and he knew in order to get me back, he had to prove it. Going out with someone doesn't help things.

      My suggestion is to talk to her. Tell her that you want to work things out but she has to be willing to do so. If she doesn't, let her know you don't want to live seperated from your wife for the rest of your life. That's not a marriage, that's a hiatus. She needs to step up and make a decision. If divorce is in the works, do so. If working it out is in the works, do so. Don't sit back and do nothing. Neither of you. Nothing gets solved like that.

14. QUESTION:
    How can i stay with the man i love, when he isn't that man anymore.. my marriage is all i have or have i?
    My husband left our home when our baby was only 2months old. He couldn't handle my insecurities that he gave me. he would say put up or fuck off.. he was constantly on his mobile phone texts and said he didn't meddle in my life and i wasn't allowed to ask where he had been or who he text. so that caused mass confusion and pent up anger. Bottom line rejection. This was in 2007, after that on and off casual texts sometimes nice sometimes insulting from him. I never wanted it to be over as it never began but we got in contact again and as usual he's excuse would be he's homeless. I didn't want him back to mess me up again as i'd moved on. Any way like i said we have a little one together and that's quite a bond, he said it weren't his, turns out he was seeing our son through his mother all along. they both lied to me. This was after i let him move back in to repair our marriage. his mother was very angry and said some nasty things she claims he said. I took no notice. he's stepsons were happy to see him again and wanted us now to be a happy family. October 2010. I asked him why he didn't wear his wedding rings. he said he sold them for food. I put my rings in his valentines card as he is on a dating line as a single man and claims he's romantic. i found them 3 months later cleaning up my shelves tucked away. He said he wanted me to know he's friends when he came back and to have more to do with my friends and family. He then started going out and said i couldn't come. He would never compliment me and when i was crying with a bad gastric attack. he got annoyed cause i woke him up. we have been in separate beds for 5 months now. i make family meals, and when i was unwell he just fed himself. I've given this man a chance to be apart of my family again but he said he's step children have nothing to do with him, but if people are around he seems very concerned and caring. Last month i broke down in my car with my children and still had to do another 10 miles to get to our son, i rang him as he was only around the corner helping a friend and said he'd be back by 4pm, which was about that time. He snapped at me that he was all alone with his mates girlfriend and there was nothing he could do. So i reminded him i was his wife and his child was stuck 10 miles away. He turned up with some jump leads claiming that he'd told he's friends that i'd been ringing him all day giving him abuse?? what the fuck!!. So he stayed out until 11pm, no text no nothing. It was our Anniversary today i bought him a card and booked a dinner for us later. something has snapped in me when he said don't worry about a card cause i couldn't get you one as i have no money, when i know he had. I binned his card and cancelled dinner. I still feel separated and a single mum as i am doing everything as before but now more. I know it takes time to patch things up, but there doesn't seem to be any comeback, input, intimacy, communication, with exception to cricket scores and certain subjects on his pal talk that he is on 24 7. I can't help thinking get rid, this idiots taking you for a ride. This is just a roof. The kids are my world he seems jealous of them...Can't help the para.. I say to him do you love me, he says of course i do looking away. i ask him why he can't look me in the eye anymore. he ignored me. that's it. i told him did he want a divorce he said anything that you want. cause your gonna do what you want to do anyway.. head fuck!! I was betrayed right from the start as the man i fell in love with was tall dark and handsome very well spoken and a gentleman, Then out of nowhere he said he was growing his hair. it wasn't until i found some picture of him that he had always been a big chunky metal head with attitude rude & cold..It took me along time to get over the love of my life It was like he was taken from me by death...He's in that hair & beard somewhere and grew to love and accept that from a distance but now it's reality, he's here and he's my husband so it means i've accepted him for everything. yet it's still not good.. i give the fuck up!!

    • ANSWER:
      u know what i realized sometimes love is blind...like take me i like a guy that looks just like the actor judd nelson and becuz of his looks and fun personality i look past how he treats his girlfriends...i need to stop doing that. yea i desire him emotionally and physically but...why settle for someone that isnt willing to put out what i am willin to put into a relationship. maybe u should try and make a pro and cons list of what kind of boyfriend/husband he is... then leave him if the cons outweigh the pros.

15. QUESTION:
    What do you do when you love someone and they have shut you out emotionally?
    My husband has gone through medical problems. I understand he might not be feeling well but he uses it as it is okay to be rude and mean. He has been over the serious part for about 5 months. He has shut me out emotionally and working on shutting me out all together. The only time he will have a pleasant conversation with me is when he wants to know what is for dinner or talking about himself. The rest of the time he is grouchy, rude, etc. To give you an example of yesterday: He was speaking at me in a nasty tone while lecturing me. His friend Joe called. My husband switched to the most pleasant person with a big smile and laughing. I know this is fake and he is hiding his true feelings to his friends.
    This week he has moved to calling me names.
    I have tried to reach out to him in many ways. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I have resorted to not talking much at all to him unless he starts a conversation. The only emotions he shows me is to lecture me about things. Things that is out of my control but I am working on them (for example motivating my son 18 year old son find a job or my other son with his school work). There are times I feel like my husband resents my kids. I have no support from my husband. I have reached out to him over and over in various ways. He gives me NO hope. It is my guess he is doing NOTHING AT ALL and HOPING all of this will just go away. My feelings have been hurt over and over again. Feeling ill is not an excuse or permission slip to treat anyone badly. You may be grouchy and apologize later. My husband does not apologize! Each time I forgive him and move on it gets harder and harder. I know we need some help to work through this. He refuses to go for therapy.

    I know that communication is very important in a marriage but what do you do when your spouse shuts you out?
    Thanks so much for responding! I mentioned my kids as an EXAMPLE. My older son is going to technical school part time. I support him with a place to live, food to eat but I want him to be responsbile for some expenses (his car). My younger son is failing a subject and he has asked for help. He has had trouble understanding the instructions from his teacher. I have gotten him extra help in school. I did not mention my husband's three children (one lives with us who is 23 and unemployed due to economy). All of the kids have made their mistakes. I know this is a part of growing up. The kids are not the issue here. It is the only thing my husband can find fault in me. He believes that if I am extremely controlling it would make a difference. Yes I do have rules like any other parent to keep kids safe and well. I am here to support my children not to live their life. Parenting is not the issue here. Respect for my parenting style is an issue my husband needs to overcome.

    • ANSWER:
      You are married to my husband, aren't you?

      Your entire first posting describes my husband's behavior to a T, and your problem is an EXACT (!!!) replica of my problem with my husband, aside from your last sentence, and that my husband does not call me names.

      I hope he reads your question and answers it. Maybe some insight from the "other side" could help you. I know that my husband doesn't want to hurt me, and because he has been very honest about his behavior, he may be willing to give you some ideas on what to do when your husband is in his zone.

      My husband IS going to therapy. When we are in therapy he admits to everything he is doing. But when we are at home, and he is doing it, he says I'm making it all up. He says that my desire for him to communicate, be affectionate, and act like he enjoys being around me is me being needy. He doesn't recognize "normal" affectionate relationships, and has problems with others' weakness. Therefore ANY sign that I need him upsets him.

      As time passes, I too have found that I have more and more difficulty forgiving his behavior. I keep thinking that if I am going to be alone, that I may as well be alone.

      Some days I feel like he is making progress, other days he takes several obvious steps back. He knows that I adore him and takes full advantage, LOL!

      I suggest you go to counseling on your own. The therapist can help you learn how to deal.

      I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a tough life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm happy to be married to my husband. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

16. QUESTION:
    Strange wife behaviour,any ideas?
    We got married 10 years ago in Africa. During the period, she brough her younger sister to live with us, who was reporting me to my wife and saying all sort of things to her. Since then my wife's behaviour changed towards me.My wife started a business but her sister knew her financial position than me the husband, she wouldnt share with me. All business transactions was done on my PC at home but they password-protected all invoices and bank balances on a PC I bought. She always seem to have secrecy which is known between her and her sister, I only get informed when there is a problem or help is needed.
    I subsequently became permanent resident in the u.s.I filed a petition for her and my son to join me.On their arrival I first enrolled our son in a school and bought all stationary and other requirments for starters.I opened a bank account in our name (my wife and me) so we could use it together.I also explained to her the need for such an account, to save and help her familiy members and mine as well whenever the need arises and also to save for our future retirement. That means she must also make deposites and I will do same.
    For the six months now, no single deposite!She rather has opened her own account in her own name with the excuse of the need to get a document for proof of residence for driver license application.
    I took her on many errands just sending job applications few weeks after her arrival in the u.s.I drove her from shop to shop, malls to malls and so on.I found a job with a company looking for cashier.I then took her in for job interview which she qualified and started the this part time. Tax season was near, I inquired how much she earns, she would tell me. I had to keep asking and asking then she reluctantly told me.
    After a month I needed to take up a job temporary abroad just to make sure we can earn a living. To ensure cheap communication,I left my laptop behind so we could use it to communicate dialy but cheaply through skype PC-PC/fon calls.I also bought mic and headset for the PC so I could help our son regularly with school home works.
    Just after 3 months,she gives me many but quick reasons why she can't give me timings to meet me online for regular chats.I try to email her, it takes days for me to get an answer from her, though the PC is right beside her bed and she knows I am mostly online in the evenings.
    But when she needs some help/something she would make time and send me message. I have lately advice her to rethink her approach to our communication effort as in marriage commitmmet is key, not convinience.
    She lately let me down when she had to loan me a sum to pay for renovation in a house I built. Despite that I still went ahead to fly her to visit me in my current location. She later tells me everything in our marriage is my responsibility, cost etc.She hides her resources and expects me to bear all costs.She left Africa without saying goodbye to my mom. Until now my mom does not even know her exact location.
    The question I want to ask is:
    Was it wrong for me to do the above efforts?
    In Marriage, is it normal for the woman to hide what she has and wait till the man is able to bear costs related to home keeping?Is this how marriage should be?
    This Catholic marriage has suffered happiness and getting frustrated, especially when communication is also becoming an issue.unfortunately there is no key person in her family I could speak to for help, though I tried it once but no go. What options are available to me now, as I do not seem to have found a true partner.

    My parents have tried to give her some good advice but her comment showed that she wasn't bowing.

    During our 10 years, we;ve had many friend and relatives who have decided never to visit us again. I set good example when her family members visited us. She doesnt show signs of welcoming when my family members visited. Is this how marriage should be?

    I gave her the assurance of a Catholic marriage but this is my reward.

    A struggling marriage should have a way out, I think wether it is church marriage or whatever form.As you can see my trust for the future is uncertain, unknown from a partner.I am uncertain!

    I will count on advice with from experienced.Really a long one to read, sorry.

    Thanks.

    • ANSWER:
      I can't really pin point what's going on in that head of hers. but something is not right... maybe you should do a little pi work of your own to see what your wife is really up to.. sound as if she's getting ready to move on into a life of her own, and that's not with you.. her sister has a lot to do with this as well..

17. QUESTION:
    Fiance does not want to talk about wedding...?
    I have read other posts on here about girls who are wondering why their fiancés have no interest in talking about their weddings. Most of the advice seems to go like this: guys are not into the planning details, just tell him when and where to show up. I can see that as absolutely being true. However, my fiancé helps me plan everything. We have been engaged for 6 months and do not have a date set. Our wedding is going to be very simple so won't require a lot of planning or finances. The general idea was that we would get married this summer. He has said he wants to do it here soon. I would like to do the pre-marital classes through our church before getting married. He has said that this is something he considers a good idea also. I told him that I had received the information packet from the church and he was like ... oh kool... I asked him about the trip we were planning for afterwards and ... oh ya.... So there is not a lot of enthusiasm or input on anything. *Here is some background. He once told me that he thought that marriage ruined relationships. That he was happy with what we have. I, on the other hand, don't agree with that philosophy, so we agreed to disagree. So about a year before he proposed, any marriage talk was basically not happening. I didn't mention it at all. He said, well how can I surprise you if you’re always talking about it. I thought, Okay, I see his point and stopped talking about it altogether. Then he proposed and at first I thought that would change things, but evidentially not. I would like to get some opinions. He is a great and wonderful guy who is most of the time very caring and warm. We have a lot of differences in our beliefs and likes, but have managed pretty well anyways. However, due to the way he kinda cut our communication, starting with the marriage deal, I feel our communication is lacking. I don't know if he proposed because he felt obligated or because he really wanted to. I am at the point where I am once again holding my tongue and it sucks. Please help...

    • ANSWER:

18. QUESTION:
    Feeling really conflicted about my marriage?
    I posted this question not long ago, but I did some thinking and I have more to add. I know that I'm overweight. I'm not oblivious to it. I was big when I met my husband, and I got bigger through our dating, and I was big when he asked me to marry him, and I was my biggest the day we got married. He always told me he loved me, and that I was beautiful (when I asked him to). After we got married, we had a series of unfortunate events. I was employed at a job I hated, and my attitude reflected this. He had quit his job and was unemployed and not trying for 15 months, and his attitude reflected it. We were both the bad guys. I'm not saying we were perfect. I was fat with a bad attitude, and he was lazy with a bad attitude. I would be working 70 hour weeks and come home to a trashed house, and he would be pissed at me if I came home angry at the house, and we'd fight. Through all this, sex was almost non-existant, with me wanting it, and him turning me down. Could be because of the attitudes, could be because of the weight. I honestly don't know. About a year into our marriage, something clicked and we both realized that we were doing things very wrong. I changed jobs. I left the terrible one that I hated, and went to one that I love. He started working, and his self esteem increased. We also went to marriage counseling and learned about better communication. For the past year, I thought things were great. Sex was still hit and miss, but I figured that was because of stress. He still told me I was beautiful when I asked him to, but I started noticing how sex was "just sex" and how I would have to hold him there when we kiss, otherwise it would be a peck with a loud “MWA” sound. We fought less. We were more pleasant with each other, and we started doing more fun things together, like camping, hiking, and swimming. The affection was dwindling though, and I could feel it. Our communication classes taught me that I needed to talk to him, and I explained that I felt that he wasn’t in love with me. He said that he was, and gave me a “MWA” kiss. We had this discussion several times, and it always ended with him admitting that he had a problem showing his affection, and he would work on it. Then things would go back to normal, until the next time I talked to him about it. Finally we talked about it, and rather than stop after the initial “I do love you” I kept pushing for deeper conversation. I learned some disturbing things. That for the first year of being married, he wasn’t physically attracted to me, but didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. And in the past year, when things have been good and I lost weight, he has been checking out cute customers or coworkers, and actually has a crush on a coworker. He admitted that he wishes I would lose weight, despite my almost 40lb weight loss, and that he purposefully withholds affection, but “doesn’t know why.” He stated that he watches porn often on his phone, and it’s always women his size, and during sex with me, or masturbation, he replaces my body with someone else’s, or takes me out of the equation completely. I get that I’m fat. But he married me when I weighed more than 260. If I was too big for him then, he should not have married me. He wasn’t honest with me, and didn’t trust me enough to tell me how he feels. I am completely humiliated. I know I’m big, but I always thought my husband found me beautiful. I didn’t get fat on purpose – no-one chooses this. I didn’t care what the rest of the world thought because I had a man who loved me for me. Turns out I was wrong. I am wanting a divorce, but am conflicted because of how much we have invested in this relationship. I love him, but I don’t feel any affection or intimacy in return. He has begged me to stay and promised to change, but I have heard it all before. Not to mention, he can’t help who he is attracted to, and I know it’s not me. I don’t want him to change for me at all. I want him to find someone that truly makes him happy. I’ve always loved him, even when he wasn’t working, when he was throwing things around the house in a fit of anger, when he turned me down for sex constantly. I always loved him. I gained weight, and he didn’t love me anymore. I don’t think it’s fair, and I don’t care how fat I am. He chose to marry a fat person, so he knew what he was getting himself into. I deserve better, right?

    • ANSWER:
      YES you deserve better!!! He sounds like a good guy, except for that he was dishonest with you when you got married, which is a BIG THING. Had you known he wasn't attracted to you, you probably wouldn't have married him, and this wouldn't be a problem now. Instead, you have to go through feeling unattractive and fat, and have it shoved in your face every day when he turns you down, or when you feel no affection, or when he goes to work to the coworker he has a crush on! Dump him. You deserve an honest, caring man who loves you and who tells you you're beautiful without you having to ask. You were always honest with your husband, and it's his fault that he wasn't honest back. You're a beautiful person, and you deserve happiness.

19. QUESTION:
    When do you give up hope a marriage can be saved after trust is lost.?
    My wife says she is done, there is no hope for us. She says she can never trust me again after having had contact (communications) with the "other woman". I realized, shortly after having had contact that it was not right and not what I wanted. I tried to cover it up and let the "other women" go gently, so as to not create a situation. Wife found out, other women lied to my wife via txt msgs about our relationship. Wife does not believe it was not physical, and that I was/am committed to me, her, us and our childeren (5 & 7). I believe in us, and our marriage. I realize im resopnsible. I dont want to give up hope, but its very hard when she seems so determined, and talks in absolutes, such as "I can never trust you again." I dont and I didnt want to loose my marriage. When should I give up hope and trying to work things out?
    Additional information:

    The other women and I did have a physical affair for 2 months, then got caught by my wife. I ended the relationship and had no contact for 5-6 months. Other woman contacted me for work related information. I allowed a dialogue to happen, then I realized.....

    • ANSWER:
      First off. It was shitty what you did. Even if it wasn't physical (Which I'm a little critical of). You ofcourse know it was wrong if more took place than what you're telling us. I hope you also understand that even if you didn't have sex with this woman it was still wrong. So when your wife brings up what you've done I hope you don't try to justify it or defend it by saying "But we never had sex I swear". That MAY be the case but it was still wrong. Secondly I wonder how long ago all this took place? You can say sorry five thousand times in five thousand different ways the first day and she won't hear a single one of them while a few days later you may only have to say it once for her to hear you once. She's pissed. She's hurt. As her spouse and partner in life you were supposed to be her rock and now she's shaken. Give her time. Continue trying to patch things up, but don't expect it to get all better over night. It will take time.

20. QUESTION:
    Do you think my marriage could be restored?
    I'm new to this so here goes: I had a one night stand some years ago and just ended a six month affair. My ex and I divorced after I told her everything when I just couldn't take it anymore. I still love her but just held all my feelings in over the years and let my guilt compound and drive me to being very selfish and eventually unfaithful. No, I'm not justifying my actions in any way. Shortly after we separated I tried to get her back and tried everything I know to do it. I have more pain, guilt and remorse than one can possibly imagine and I've told her this many times and continue to apologize and tell her I love her every chance I get. Am I beyond repair? I'm a good person and we have 2 kids together. She wasn't perfect in the marriage and we had some real communication issues, but we have everything in common.

    #1: Is there anything to hang onto here? Are there others out there that have gone through this or something similar and what are you suggestions/experiences?

    #2: What should I do to get it through to her how much I want her back and how do I begin to re-establish trust when we aren't phisically together anymore? Ideas?

    Please, no haters... I already know I f***** things up beyond all recognition. Not too excited about getting reminded of it--that said, I do deserve anything and everything I get. So bring it on.. penance...

    • ANSWER:
      Ok....NOBODY is perfect in a relationship...although it looks like you were a little more "less than perfect" than she was but that doesn't matter. Let's move on from here.

      First...you have two kids together so you will always be a part of her life and she will always be a part of yours no matter what. It is important that you two at least get along and be friendly with each other. It makes it so much easier on the kids, PLUS it is just so much effort to hate and fight anyhow. Both of your energies could be spent on just about anything else and it would be more worthwhile than hating and fighting...especially considering the children.

      Second...nothing is impossible. Nothing! If she really is the woman that you love more than any other in the world I will suggest that you work at winning her back again. Couples go through things like this and come out the other side to live happy, healthy lives all the time. Yes, this exact same situation...infidelity...communication issues...and worse!

      My suggestion would be to work on yourself, be a good father and be a good friend to their mother. If it wasn't for her you wouldn't have those wonderful kids, right? If you love her and want to reunite with her just start heading in that direction bit by bit but it all starts with friendship...and yes, she is probably going to have her guard up so you are going to have to be patient....and don't try to be too obvious! No buying her flowers out of the blue or writing her love letters or begging her for another chance, ok? Just let it happen...all the time with the knowledge that she is the one that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with...

21. QUESTION:
    When will I know I've tried hard enough?
    Background: My wife has a string of casual affairs over a year and a half ago. When I found out, I was furious and devastated (as you'd expect), but after 1000 promises that it would never happen again, I agreed to try to work it out & try to move forward. I went thru counseling, did my due diligence with sorting out my feelings and have taken the steps to address "issues" our marriage had prior to her affairs (note: the issues were the normal lack of communication, etc - no abuse on either side).

    I have done everything I can to try to let go of the past and move toward the future. The problem I've run into is that although our marriage is stronger as far as communication, patience, sharing the work-load, etc, the love I had for her prior to the affairs has not come back at all. I feel very distant from her and I am just am not in love with her anymore. We have kids and since I've put my mind to improving the quality of my marriage, I've noticed a dramitic increase in the quality of the "family-life" as well.

    With all of the good, there is also the bad, however. The kids and the times I share with them make so me happy, but I am not happy in general. I find myself continuously looking at other women - not in a sexual way - and wondering what if...could she be someone I could love.

    Question: Before I do anything stupid, I need to decide if I have done all I could and it's time to cut the ties or if I should continue to stick it out and roll the dice on if I can ever be in love with my wife again. How do I know???

    • ANSWER:
      You have made it past the most difficult part, believe it or not. After such a difficult time, you are not expected to feel in love with your wife. It is true that those feelings may never come back.

      But consider this: you and the kids and your wife have a good life together. There is no abuse. The two of you have learned to communicate. There is something to be said for a stable, drama-free relationship.

      You have nothing to lose by giving yourself 12 months. Tell yourself that for the next 12 months you will give your wife the benefit of the doubt, and ACT as though you are completely in love with her. If things don't change by then, the perhaps it is time to move on.

      A marriage takes a lot more than being in love to work. There will always be a roller coaster of emotion...sometimes you will despise your spouse, but other times you will love them to the ends of the earth. It is just a fact.

      Your kids deserve an intact family. My opinion is that you should give yourself the deadline and time to REALLY think things through.

22. QUESTION:
    What do you do when the intimacy has gone out of the marriage?
    Wife seems to have no desire for intimacy. She says she loves me and is attracted to me but just doesn't think about it. She gets 9-10 hours of sleep a night. She says she is tired all the time. I don't believe she is cheating but I feel that intimacy is the way you show someone how much you love them. So since there is no real intimacy except holding hands when I come to bed I feel very lonely. I am not talking about sex just the feel ing of being loved. I think she loves me, she says she does but there is no effoet to show me that she does. I love her very much and just want to be close to her but when I try I keep getting pushed back and shot down. I don't want anyone else but this poor dog needs to be pet. She says that maybe I would be happier with someone else who thinks that way and maybe the wiring in her head is messed up right now. Please only serious suggestions. We are going to couples communication classes starting Jan 8th for four weeks. I think it might help but afraid that this might be the last straw if it doesn't work. I just dion't want to hurt her or our daughters, ages 5 and 7.
    Lizbit--- The problem there is she goes to bed when the girls do. I try to make even a few minutes together when the girls go to bed but I can see she is about to fall asleep then and there.
    She is not on pain pills or takeing drugs. When I try to ask her about what is wrong it is either I don't know or she says that she is not the one complaining.
    ??--- I do the dishes practically every night. Make dinner haelp out with most of the house work, actually I feel I do more of the chores around the house then she does. I try back rubs with oils, I try getting her in the mood but it is hard to get her in any mood when she falls into bed and goes to sleep at the sametime our daughters do. I feel like I am the only one who is making an effort to keep this relationship going. If there is something that is bothering her about what I may have done to upset her she won't tell me. I ask and she just says I don't know, Nothing, or "I'm not the one complaining. How can you fix whats broken if you get no ideas from the other.

    • ANSWER:
      If you're not yet, start worrying. She's telling you she "just doesn't think about it" but if she simply weren't thinking about it, then when you try to get affection she wouldn't push you back and shoot you down, she would then think about it. In her most honest moments, she's telling you that it's not you, it's her, that maybe you'd be happier with someone else. That's a big red flag. Her feelings toward you are not positive. Are there other problems in the relationship? Is she harboring any resentments toward you of which you are aware? If either of those are true, it would definitely help to address them. Also, if she's tired so much, it's possible that she's on drugs, and may have a dependence on pain killers or something - is that possible?

23. QUESTION:
    ramadhan:difference between `Deen' and 'Shari`ah'?
    Detriments of not realizing difference between `Deen' and 'Shari`ah'

    Now I want to tell you what harm is being caused to your community by not realizing the difference between Deen and Shariah

    .

    There are several modes of offering Salah among Muslims.

    One Muslim rests his hands on the chest while another one puts them on the navel.

    One man recites Surah Fatiha while praying behind the Imam and the other does not.

    One man utters 'Amen' loudly while the other utters it in a subdued tone.

    Each one of them is following the respective methods in full consciousness of the fact that this very method was followed by the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and in support of it he has unimpeachable authority.

    Therefore, both are followers of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in spite of their modes of offering Salat being different.

    But those unkind people who regard these problems of Shari‘ah as problems of Deen itself, have declared these differences in methods as variations in Deen.

    They segregated their groups,

    Isolated their mosques,

    Hurled abuses at one another,

    Forcibly drove their opponents from mosques,

    Fought legal battles and split Rasulullah's Ummah into factions.

    When even this did not appease the minds of cantankerous elements, they started, on small pretext, labelling each other as Kafir or sinner and heretic.

    The position is that if a man evolves a principle according to his own understanding of the Quran and Sunnah, he does not confine it to himself but considers it necessary to impose it on others, and should they refuse to submit, he will ostracise them from God's Deen.

    The different religious sects of Hanafi,

    Shafi'i, Ahl-i­Hadith etc.

    which you see among Muslims, all acknowledge the Quran and Hadith as final authority and draw injunctions therefrom according to their own understanding. May be that one sect's understanding is correct and that of the other one is incorrect.

    I am also a follower of one of these systems and consider it correct and also argue with those who are opposed to it in order to explain to them what is correct in my view and prove wrong what I consider to be wrong.

    But it is one thing if somebody's understanding is wrong and it is quite another thing to expel him from Deen

    . Every Muslim has the right to follow Shari‘ah according to his understanding.

    If ten Muslims follow ten different methods, all of them are surely Muslims as long as they believe in Shari`ah.

    They constitute one Ummah and there is no reason at all for them to have the separate groups.

    But those who do not under­stand this point split the community into different factions on paltry matters, get severed from each other, set apart their Salat and mosques, stop inter-marriages and inter-communi­cations and organise groups of co-factionists in such a manner as if each group is an Ummah by itself.

    • ANSWER:
      Aslam-o-Alikum,
      How are you brother? MashaAllah, you have said it very beautifully. But here I have to disagree with what your saying, you said " Every Muslim has the right to follow Shari‘ah according to his understanding." and " If ten Muslims follow ten different methods, all of them are surely Muslims as long as they believe in Shari`ah." Brother I understand if someone follows the Sunnah as their understand, but when and if they are performing the Sunnah wrong or they are making a mistake while performing the Sunnah it is on us (who has knowledge about Islam) to tell him/her which is the correct/better way to perform Sunnah..
      Thank you for sharing it

24. QUESTION:
    there is no communication?
    Hi, we are a muslim family, now my husband has always been a quet person, not much of a talker but lately he has changed what little talking he used to do he can't even be bothered anymore, he doesn't help with the kids any more or do anything around the house, he has become mean and nasty in quite a spiteful way, when he wants to have his own needs seen to he can become quite nice, but now i have started to resent this and i say no, so he says you won't give me what i want why should i bother with anything to do with you or the kids or the housework, is that how a marriage is meant to work, i just don't know what to do

    • ANSWER:
      I get the whole 'no communicaion' thing, but why is this in Languages?

      Thanks for the 2 points anyway, but I can't help you much apart from saying that either he's going through a stressful time or that it doesn't sound very good at all. Try the relationships section, I can't help any more than that, sorry..

25. QUESTION:
    When it comes to true love and marriage, how important is the age difference?
    I arrived 62 years ago. I believe your birth date is only a registered time of your arrival. It tells me nothing about you! Are you an honest person?. Do you have a good heart, morals, integrity, and so on? I don't believe in discrimination under any circumstances, including age. I do believe we should obey the laws of our country, and of our faith, so there must be what is called, "of legal age" to follow as our guidelines. Other than that, I absolutely love going out with much younger women! I'm talking about 20, 30, even 40 years younger than me. And no, I am not a pervert. I am a christian, who knows how to honor a woman with His love, respect, honesty, communication, romance, spoil etc. I believe in supporting her dream. Don't get me wrong. I will also date women my age. I believe your as young or as old as you feel! I'm looking for a wife who is at the very least, young at heart! Live life to it's fullest, and dance! Dare to dream, follow your heart, step out of the box! Write me

    • ANSWER:

26. QUESTION:
    Why don't marriages last?
    What are the reason that so many marriages fail? For starters i think people are looking for this perfect person which doesn't exist. There are a numbers of reason that marriages fail.

    Lack of communication
    Financial
    Lack of Respect for one another
    Lack of Commitment to the Marriage
    Dramatic Change in Priorities

    A lot of couples do not talk about what's bothering them or try to address the issues at hand with their spouses. They just leave it alone and the situation tends to get worse as time goes on until one decides they can not take it any longer.
    Finance also cause the demise of a lot of marriages. When one either marrys for money and when the money run out they run out. Or they can no longer live the life that they have fell accustom too so the leave.
    If either spouse do not have or lose respect for one or the other the marriage will not work.
    It takes both to make a marriage work. If either person is not committed to the marriage it's not gonna work. Both have to be committed to the marriage to make the make last.

    Marriage is hard work. It must not be taken lightly. You have to want to be married. I believe people look for this perfect person and that person does not exist. We all have fault and have to be conciderate of the other person. Take their feeling into concideration. Learn to give in sometimes just to keep the peace and give each other time to cool off and then talk about it later.More than likely it was something petty and was really not that important. Be that spouse friend be there to listen to them, not so judgemental all the time but a firend.
    There are many reason a marriage won't last but we should learn from these reason to make the marriage work.

    • ANSWER:
      You've pretty much answered your own question, but here are a few more observations I have made:

      Nowadays, people are more wrapped up in a "dream wedding" than the marriage that will come after. There is an old saying "money can't buy love". It's true. ,000 nuptials to kick off a marriage do not necessarily lead to a lasting marriage. I have seen from personal experience, the smaller the wedding, the longer and happier the marriage. I think this is because the focus was on getting married, not having a wedding.

      My parents always told me that when I got married "never go to bed mad". I never have gone to bed mad at my husband. We've gotten in some major arguments before, but we've always resolved them right away. If you sleep on it, you'll stew in the anger. The fight may be over in the morning, but the unaddressed feelings will still be there, and will build until they break the marriage.

      Prenups are becoming the norm. WTF? I feel very little need to explain myself on this one. Why get married if you have to plan for what happens when you divorce? Just live together, then neither of you are entitled to any of the others belongins.

      Finally, I'm against "write your own vows". The traditional vows have been used for time and millennia. The reason, they cover all bases and leave no room for interpretation. You either accept to being with your spouse through thick and thin until death do you part, or you don't marry. Its pretty clear cut. All this "I love you so much, and I promise to always love you, remember when we first met and found a frog, your my prince bla bla bla" crap leaves so much out, and too much room for interpretation. It's fine to add a little to the traditional vows, but having just your own vows? That's a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

27. QUESTION:
    What kind of marriage is this?
    I've been married for ten years and we have three kids. I have a decent "office" job where I usually come home at a set time and help clean up the house, get the kids homework done, help with dinner/dishes, and finally get the kids ready for bed. In short, I like being married and having a family. However, the marriage has had a lot of rocky moments because my wife and I disagree and argue on a daily basis. She really nags about trivial matters, I really think she is controlling and OCD because everything at our home needs to be set or done her way. There is no compromise and when I disagree with her and point out there's more than one way to accomplish the task, she just gets more upset and yells at me. I'm not sure if that is a byproduct of us coming from mixed races, cultures, and nationalities but some how in our arguments we eventually move on in the fights as we've always persevered. But I'm unhappy. The word "divorce" has always hung in our conversations even since we first married, which is unfortunate because now there is a decade of malaise. I'm not sure if its routine anymore but my marriage borders from being ok to down right miserable. My wife and I always argue and usually (I hate to admit this) but I capitulate for marital bliss. Usually our arguments involve a trivial matter but the venom that my wife spits at me (using hurtful words to describe me like "I'm stupid" or "disgusting") like if I forgot to pick up something at the grocery store, or maybe I bought the wrong kind of cereal for the kids (other than what she had wanted me to buy) is really hurtful. I have a masters degree and she calls me stupid! Almost daily, we get into fights about trivial matters and even when I take vacation time, I don't feel like I really want to because it means being at home with her. At times I resent her because she brings me down. Most nights we just "ignore" each other, she goes online on the computer and I watch TV with the kids. I've gone to marriage counseling and stress management courses (alone) because she didn't want to come. I've even read books on the subject on how to improve bad marriages. Even when we do talk about it (how to try to be nice and act) it seems every time she loses her temper she reverts back to her old self. I don't see how it'll ever get better. If you were in a marriage where there was little sex, no communication, your routines became a rut, and your partner wasn't trying to change, would you get out?

    • ANSWER:

28. QUESTION:
    Why do married people get so defensive about affairs?
    I read the stats on this and it seems communication, or a lack thereof, is the number one issue in marriages that ultimately leads to divorce. But lack of good sex, or sex in general, is up there among the top reasons why marriages break down. Married people always say there has to be more than great sex to make a relationship last...more meaning great communication. But there are lots of couples who think they have great communication and are great friends, when meanwhile their partners are having affairs. I notice married people get super defensive and start calling the "other woman" a home wrecker and a wh0re, etc. But in reality the other woman has broken no vows, isn't responsible for the lack of good sex or lack of sex in the couple's marriage, nor for their communication problems, or the lack of honesty in their marriage. It took me a while to figure it out, but taking it out on the other woman seems to me to be defensiveness on the married people's parts because they don't want to admit they weren't keeping their spouse happy in the bedroom, or that they don't have good and honest communication with their spouse. Why is this? Why do married people hate taking responsibility for the way their relationship is? Why are they so defensive that they have to blame the other woman when it comes to their hubby stepping out on them? Why not be mature enough to admit there was a breakdown in communication/honesty before the affair and stop looking outside the marriage for someone to blame for what failed within the marriage?
    This may cause waves, but I want to stress that the other woman has made no promises and owes the married woman nothing. If your marriage can only survive on the charity of other women...specifically women being willing to sidestep the husband who has made himself available for sex outside the marriage and respect the vows he made to you that he has clearly shown he wants to break, what kind of marriage is that??

    • ANSWER:
      I completely agree with you. We are extremely happily married and are friends and lovers. If one of us took the monumental step of doing something as catastrophic to the marriage as having an affair, then it would be OUR fault and not that of a third party.

      It's simple to work out why there is so much self righteous mud slinging at the third party from the deceived spouse. It is to deflect blame away from themselves.

29. QUESTION:
    hi,bunch of jokes for you?
    W OMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
    He addressed the man,
    "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
    that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
    and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........."HEBREWS"

    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
    the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    God may have created man before woman,
    but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    • ANSWER:
      Oh my gosh!!! I was laughing so hard through all of them!
      Thank you!!!
      lol!!!!
      !♥!

30. QUESTION:
    Here I sit...brokenhearted...and I honestly don't know why.?
    In October of 2010 I decided to pay for eHarmony for three months...which expires today, in fact. Immediately I met a wonderful man! He just turned 33; I'm about to be 31 in a few days. We had so many things in common it was scary: a handful includes music, preferred foods, sexual preferences, hopes and dreams, we both loved animals, and we both were sensitive people who cared for others. Shared religion was important in particular, as we were both Christian, and he told me he respected and admired me for choosing to save myself for marriage - never once did he pressure me for sex! Both of us were marriage-minded, and our communication skills were stellar...or so I thought.

    We started dating November 6th, after almost a month of communicating via eHarmony, Skype, and eventually Facebook. We hit it off perfectly. During Thanksgiving he told me he loved me for the first time. He was a gentleman; a true class act who always went out of his way to make me feel beautiful and loved. Chemistry, romance, love and respect structured our relationship...as well as trust. Or so it seemed.

    He couldn't make it over to me in time for the ball to drop on New Year's Eve, due to an unforeseeable emergency on his end. This frustrated us both, but we were still very much determined to salvage our plans once his issue was resolved. Next thing you know, as we spoke on the phone, we had an argument - a sudden, stupid argument, yet it turned out to be one that tore us apart completely, and as a result I am alone, wondering why he just bailed on me like that.

    This argument definitely wasn't pleasant, but as far as arguments go, I would rate this a 3 on the Richter Scale. Particularly since this was our first lovers' quarrel. There were no cheap shots, no low blows, no excessive or demeaning profanity, no threat of physical violence on either end. This was a small-scale tiff, not a war of epic proportions! After ample cool-down time, this could have easily been resolved within an hour, MAX. Instead, I get texts ignored, calls blocked, and restricted from his Facebook page - all within that same hour! The most crushing blow was discovering that he closed me out as a match on eHarmony, four whole days after the petty incident. The man that I swore was my future husband deserted me just like that.

    Then he says to me that he's glad I showed my true colors now, BEFORE things got "too serious."

    Since when is "I love you, and will always be a rock for you to lean on...or die trying" NOT "too serious"??

    And what did I possibly do to deserve that?!?

    Is it really okay to just abandon someone who loves you merely because of a communication breakdown??

    I am hurt beyond words and actions right now - I just need someone to help me make sense of this so I can come to terms with this abandonment in peace and not bleed over it any longer. I simply cannot stress enough that this relationship was too important, too beautiful to let a small, petty disagreement destroy it permanently. I swear I didn't do anything to deserve such cavalier treatment and nobody can even imagine the pain I'm in right now.

    Can somebody please be kind and help me understand why this had to happen this way?? X'-(

    • ANSWER:
      There is no real way to know for certain why something like that would happen, maybe it was an underlying problem that he had that finally came to a head or there is something that he was not telling you that finally caught up with him.

      From the sounds of it, you are not going to find out from him and the fact he has blocked all communication with you after such a short amount of time over a silly argument sounds like a man who hasn't fully grown up yet. And although that doesn't help you much in your position, there is not a lot you can do to rectify it or even understand.

      It is awfully hard when a beautiful relationship comes crashing down around you, when your picked off your cloud nine as it were...but sometimes you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on with your life. There will be someone else out there who will be amazing for you! Remember the good times that you had with this guy, Lord knows that is what you can take away from something like this.

      The pain is going to be hard to get over, I know, trust me on that, but (ironically) time is a great healer and if you have good friends it will be even better. Just spend some time with them or doing something that you enjoy or wanted to do...it normally helps take your mind off of it for a bit.

      Sadly, there is no quick cure for something like this, and there is no definite answer to the reason why someone would be so cold hearted in a way; but not every relationship ends with satisfactory closure and just be happy in the knowledge that you did nothing to cause this and you tried to repair it but he didn't want to.

      I am sorry for what has happened to you, it is never nice to feel alone in that way. But you will pick up again and things will be better, you still have a lifetime to find someone that will respect and love you as you deserve!

      Good Luck
      Remain Strong

      Hope this helps
      -x-

31. QUESTION:
    How to be a better Wife for those who have been married for years. Not for those that have been divorced.?
    For those who have been married for year's. Not for those who have been divorced,
    nothing against you. It's just it always seems some people that have been divorced have the attitude of been there done that!

    Me & my husband have a great marriage, I think our communication skills could improved though.
    I am 20 year's of age & he's 24. We are both serve in the U.S. ARMY.

    My husband will tell me something and always turn the story around. It could be over the stupidest thing's sometimes I even laugh at because I don't understand why he does that.

    Example; He will be telling me something and I will question him about what he's telling me because I either (A) Don't understand or (B) His story is not making sense.

    So, after a couple of hour's I will try to think through what he has told me to make sure I understand it, or try to make sense of what he is telling me.
    Than a couple of hour's I will ask him & his whole story will change, it could be over the dumbest thing's that I could care less about. It really bothers me that the his story always changes i feel like in a way he's lien to me. Than when I say well you could have just told me that the first time, instead of lien to me. Than this is what he says well you just didn't understand what I was saying the first time & was confused. No I feel like he is the one that is making me confused because he flip flops his story around.

    Is it just me? what do I do? Is there another way I could approach him about it when it happens besides telling him how i feel, and saying that he is lien to me. We don't have any trust issues but why does he have to change his story up? It could lead to that if he does not stop.

    We love each other more than anything, we are always here for each other & support each other through the hard time's I feel like I am being the best wife I can.
    Advice Please,
    Thanks.

    • ANSWER:
      I have been married 30 years,

      when a guy lies about the ordinary things that happen in his life, he has low self esteem.
      you might appear to be more improtant in his eyes...he may feel less a man because of your status
      .I would tape his conversations to YOU and then show him how he lied, dont let this go.
      nothing worse than not being able to trust your husbands word.
      I would sit down with him and create a very serious atmosphere and tell him how you know he is telling little lies.
      the major question here is...................is he telling lies to everyone, or is this just reserved for you?
      I would make my presence known when he is talking to others and watch to see how to story goes, knowing you were there. OR after you leave the party of gathering...ask about that story after you now have the details and see if he changes it.

      If you hear that he is telling lies to others as well..you have an habitual liar...and someone who has some real deep problems with his past.....something he is hiding ..the lies cover his sorrow or his guilt...gives him reason to imgaine and embellish.....life

      if he tells everyone else the truth....and lies only to you .then you have a guy that is jerking your strings. For some reason he wants contention, and he knows you are an astute woman and will think the story thro and will question it...then he returns by saying..you didnt get it right....this way he can always keep you thinking within...and self examining your own sanity. and self worth

      this is an agenda against you....IF he only lies to you.

      if he lies to everyone else...and that can found out easy by just being there when he talks to others and watch the story line..........then he has an agenda to create contention between you.
      you may think you have a great marriage, but this sort of thing is more than just petty lies ...this could be a guy who is going out on you ....or..............perhaps is just looking at someone at work.....someone he really thinks is cute. so he feels alot of guilt but has no way of coming out with it.....and needs to create contention between you...give him reason to start questioning your sanity......so as the relationship moves forward with someone else....he is slowly moving you out by your own slowly derived distance...this may his way of pushing you out of his life....
      this may sound very sudden and foolish to you...but if you could be here in my seat and reading this, you would be able to see far better beyond whats going on.
      this isnt normal......is what i am saying...
      you either have a guy that is very very dishonest and mad at the world.........or you have a guy that is looking at someone else and has no good reason to tell you he wants out. he may have money...or some assets he doesnt want to share....or he doesnt want to pay alimony.....
      he wants you to make your move....because he may not have the heart to tell you he wants out.

      I am sure in time this will come out. You say you have a wonderful marriage yet...he is casuing undo contention by changing his stories.....time to evaluate...time to find out whats going on.
      this reeks of trouble....
      so check all his conversations with others...this is a major point of whats going on. IF he is telling lies to others.......then he has some real serious problems...if its just you...then he is making it YOUR serious problem....

      a man who loves his wife and is doing nothing wrong has no reason to constantly change his stories......knowing you are listening closely and they dont add up....he is doing it on purpose.

      jean

32. QUESTION:
    Here good jokes or so i think so tell me your fav and get ten..................?
    Women

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always! carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.

    < B>MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
    He addressed the man,
    "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for h is wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
    balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you we! re looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this,
    yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
    and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
    papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
    ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were! giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
    the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    God may have created man before woman,
    but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    • ANSWER:
      The one about understanding women is my fave!
      Spiders don't even bite! Waxing hurts like hell!

33. QUESTION:
    Is there hope, or is this complicated relationship not worth waiting to see if it clears up? (21 please)
    Complicated is an understatement, unfortunately I can’t think of a concise way to highlight the order of events.

    We’ve been seeing each other for almost 10 months now. I met her in September '07 and she had a bf. I talked to her a couple times but kept my distance as a sign of respect because I would appreciate the same respect from a guy talking to the girl I was dating. October rolls around, I receive a facebook message over the weekend saying she wants to go on a date. This caught me off guard because I thought she was taken. I accept, we meet up, I find out she got dumped, I immediately think I'm the rebound so I remain cautious. They had dated 5 years, and lived together the past 1.5 years, marriage was in their near future, etc. He is one of the mentally and physically manipulative/abusive types, although very charismatic - he has dumped her numerous times in the past and she crawls back every time except not this time. She sticks with me, she likes me even though I'm a 180 spin off her ex. He's the bad boy type, tattoos, piercings, out bursting, manipulative, swears all the time, rude to everyone around him, etc.

    Her and I hit it off and really connected from date #1. There was pure electricity. She asked me to see her the next day, and then the following day. On day 4 we were back at college and she invited me out to drink with her and her room mates. Intoxication ensued, one thing led to another, we're on her bed. She wanted to have sex, I said no at first because I am used to only having sex with girls that I've dated. However because the connection we shared was so amazing, she didn’t have to twist my arm much because I knew I could see myself with her. We slept together.

    A month passes; we've spent nearly every day together since. Intimacy remained regularity while we established a solid foundation quizzing each other, learning about past experiences, likes/dislikes, etc.

    *Mind you, I'm well aware how backwards this occurred. In all of my past relationships I've dated at least 4-6 months before being comfortable enough to have sex.

    I start to notice certain personality quirks but toss them aside:

    -She's naturally rude, and always has a snippy/bratty tone of voice
    -Acts childish when she doesn't get what she wants.
    -Only-child, who conveniently has daddy's credit card at her disposal (synergistic w/ the above traits I observed)
    -Explosively defensive toward any comment that pertains to anything serious between the two of us as a relationship topic ever arises.
    -Diverts any direct comments I bring up for discussion almost instantly with comments like, “are you a girl?”, “are we really getting into this now?”, “it’s always something with you, isn’t it?”, “oh, really? And so is there anything else you’d care to tell me is wrong with me?”… the list goes on.
    -Manipulatively answers any serious question that I ask with another question that redirects the aim back at me about a slanted perspective on the original topic.

    Long-story short, she appeared impossible from the beginning because I am a believer of communication and prefer to tackle an issue as soon as it comes up. I also believe that no two people in a relationship should go to bed angry. She is the opposite, she holds it in, prefers not to talk about something and figure it out on her own. It almost appeared as a gender role flip-flop. I remained patient.

    I soon found out that she is far from over her ex-bf, in fact she’s still madly in love with him. He texts her on a daily basis with extremely vulgar, derogatory and hurtful messages, the most awful I’ve seen from a person. She blames herself for him dumping her. She also feels that she is not good enough for him because he left her, so she constantly wonders what’s wrong with her to make him do such a thing and hurt her in such a way.

    This knowledge made a bit more sense as to why she was so deflective toward any serious situation that had come up between her and I.

    After about 1.5 months, I back off. Within only 2 days, she texts me and accuses me of not caring. I arrange to spend time with her, we go out a few times. She complains that I’m not affectionate with her in public (kissing, etc.). Keep in mind, I’m crazy for this girl so I’ve been holding back because of the knowledge of her keeping her exbf free room and board in her heart still. I open up a bit more and her and I get more serious.

    Weeks would pass and we’d get so much closer as each day went on. Then another curve ball:
    She began getting jealous of any girl friend that I had from before I knew her. I acknowledged it, and did my best to respect how it made her feel and remained in contact with my girl friends but made sure I never flirted with them.

    We’ve met each other’s parents, spent nearly every day and every holiday together. We exchanged gifts for Christmas; she bought me an expensive watch. Call me crazy, but to me all of these are signs that she likes me and is at least interested in being more than a friend.

    I find out soon after, she had been talking to this new guy from another town where her room mate grew up that they visit every other weekend and go downtown to the bar scene. For the sake of consistency and fairness in the relationship I ask her what’s going on with him and if I should be concerned with her friendship with him becoming more. She snaps back defensively and makes it clear that she and I are not dating, makes it known that I have no right to question her and she definitely doesn’t have to answer to me about who she spends her time with. (Keep in mind, that while she’s telling me this, her room mate is behind her giving me a worried look that speaks to me as ‘be careful’).

    Turns out she had been sleeping with him. I confronted her about it numerous times and she had lied to me repeatedly. Finally she admits to having slept with him. There was never any time between intimacy with me and the new guy. Some times I’d find out she had just slept with him the night before she’d slept with me or vice versa. There seemed to be a few weeks of peace, and then my birthday approached in February.

    She prepared and crafted a memorable collage of little moments between us in chronological order and wrote me a really deep sentimental love note to go with it. It was the most amazing gift I had ever gotten from any one. She gave it to me the night before my birthday at midnight (on a Thursday) because she was going with her room mate again to her home town that Friday (on my actual birthday, which I had hoped she’d spend with me). I then find out she saw the new guy again.

    I began to feel like I was in over my head. I had never been so disrespected in my life, ever. I’ve always been honest and good to those around me so this came as a huge surprise and shock to me, not to mention it really hit deep, emotionally.

    Repressed resentment began to manifest as I tried hard to shrug this off after my attempts to defend myself and my feelings. One night in February after she returned we were out at the bars and I was drunk and she was being snippy with me for no good reason as expected but this time the unexpected happened. I verbally exploded at her. As we were both shocked, I was by far more surprised. She combatively retaliates and took the time to accuse me of being an ‘asshole’ just like her exbf and that I’m not the nice guy she thought I was. Feeling vulnerable, I apologized for my actions because I felt awful. I had never yelled at a girl before until I met her. She forgave me within a day, much like she would with her exbf except her used to beat her and leave bruises, while reminding me that I’m on thin ice and I should be lucky she’s even talking to me anymore. A few days pass and the intimacy and closeness returned. It appeared we were back to normal. This cycle repeated 3-4 more times from February to May (except she had broken it off w/ the new guy after March and “chose” to be with me. She declared we are finally dating, yet it seemed odd because I never even officially asked her to be my girlfriend)

    Our time of “dating” lasted about 3 weeks. Her exbf pulls the “I’m going into the military in July unless you give me a reason to stay” card. She drops off the grid for nearly 4 weekends while commuting to class during the week and stayed back with him at his apartment in the city, ignoring both mine and her room mate’s phone calls/text messages.

    I get a phone call from her exbf on the 4th weekend. Apparently she had been lying to him about me and said we never had done anything serious. He was coming to me for some answers. I told him some of the story. He kicks her out, finalizes the army papers and settles for a date to ship out. She came back to me, but with resentment and a subliminal finger pointed in blame for ruining her chance at true love (she never spoke these words, but she would repeatedly mention how her only chance at true love was lost, not implicating it being my fault at all).

    End of May we walked in the college graduation ceremony together and moved home for the summer (we live 5 minutes apart). Things have been amazing now that her exbf has been letting go of her, however I’m still keeping an eye out. She and I planned a trip the beginning of July with her best friend and fiancé to Key West, Florida then Hollywood Beach, Florida. We finally understand each other on a whole new level. We’ve learned to cope with our differences. I’ve been seeing a counselor about my few anger outbursts and am learning how to cope with not being able to communicate issues or feelings with her when they come up. Two months had gone by where we had been drinking and there had been no issues.

    July 2nd was her exbf’s departure date for boot camp. He had been recently dating her ex-best friend and he tells her this the day of his departure. She is a wreck and miserable the entire day for everyone to see. Her friends gave her space and I did as well. We were on vacation together so I tried to keep spirits up and would attempt to talk to her from time to time, only to get responded to with irritable rude remarks. She didn’t want to be around me at night when we planned to go out and have a good time. I went for a walk on the beach by myself and tried texting her a few times to see how she was doing and if she wanted to join me. No response. I went back up to the hotel room and she was on the floor talking to him on the phone. She jumps to her feet and storms past me with unnecessary anger towards me. I blocked her way to the door and calmly asked her to get off the phone w/ him and talk to me. She hung up the phone and dramatically threatened to dial 911 unless I let her leave the room. I refused only to try and get her to realize how emotionally-escalated and unrealistic she was being. She begins to dial. I grab her phone and tell her to please give me a chance, try to talk. She was going ballistic. She started grabbing at me, kicking, elbowing me to give the phone back, so I did – shocked. She charges me to get to the door and knocked me aside, I reacted and grabbed her waist and pulled her back but she’s only 90 pounds and she flew to the floor and hit her head. She started yelling “Help” and “Rape” and told me she “Hates the sight of me” and that she “never wants to see me again” while pounding on the walls. I immediately moved aside, kept my arms to my side and slid down the wall and sat on the ground in shock trying to process what just happened for no reason. I didn’t even hesitate, I arranged to sleep on the floor since we had room with 1 king bed. She came back to the room 3 hours later and slept. We had 3 more days left on the trip. I offered to find a flight back home, she said no and to stay. She ignored me for 24 hours but spent the whole day w/ me on the beach. The following day we were talking fine and like nothing had happened, but I was in a daze the entire time because I hadn’t forgiven myself. I was expecting her to never talk to me again once we arrived back home, but that never happened. We’ve spent every day together since. She invited me to move into her 2 bedroom apartment with her in August. She’s been asking for me to get her a promise ring, one that she picked out from Tiffany’s.

    If you’re thinking “Wow…” at this point then we’re all on the same page as I am currently today. We’ve been doing well again, but every now and then when I tell her how much she means to me and how I wish she’d let go of her exbf and make room in her heart for someone new, she gets angry and says she’s not ready to let go and is definitely not ready to let me take his place. Just last night she angrily replied “I feel pressured and I don’t like it. And forget the ring I don’t want it. Good night, call me tomorrow”

    All of her friends and mine as well have commented to me numerous times throughout the last 10 months wondering why I put up with her crap. I didn’t plan on falling in love with her, and I don’t know why I don’t stick up for myself and leave her. I’ve experienced some of the best moments of my life with her, yet at the same time I’ve experienced the worst yet. The good heavily outweighs the bad, at least from my point of view.

    I only saw a counselor about my anger issues with the repressed emotions that built over time with her. I feel now that there may be a whole different perspective and approach for the counselor to interpret. I’m noticing the length of this message now and wonder if I should even post it, but I think I will anyway. To those of you who have read this far, I truly appreciate your interest and time.

    Any toughts/suggestions/criticism/helpful hints?

    • ANSWER:
      Ok so, i read this whole thing, and damn it was long. Truthfully, I think you deserve better. Love can make you do stupid things...hense the you staying around in this so long. Hoping she will change. Know I dont know if your just atrracted to bitches like her or if you just feel trapped because of the love you feel for this girl. But she seems to be a very rude and evil person. Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like that let alone want someone like that in your life. Her personality discusts me. If she does ever get over her ex, shes gonna continue to treat you the same as she has for the last few months. And the sad thing is, she may come back into your life saying things have changed, when in actuality they never will. People dont change unless they want to, and unless you really thing she has changed if the time ever does come its only up to you to decide if you wanna give her another chance. Personally I think your wasting your time on this girl and theres some many other girls out there that deserve a caring guy as yourself.

34. QUESTION:
    Follow up question from the man that destroyed the marriage by having a child with his "whore."
    There is way more information that was left out of the previous question. For example, last Sunday, the wife went berserk and started to throw things at me and started to hit me with 2 of her kids here and my son. The police were called and of course nothing was done. She then proceeded to tell my 6 year old son what type of husband and father I was and inform him that he was about to have a new brother or sister. Obviously I was going to tell him just not now and not in that tone she used.
    I was asked how I feel about the “whore”, she has been a good friend for 5 years whom we have always had a friendship connection. She is going through a divorce because her husband left her because it was determined that she couldn’t get pregnant. She was attending a fertility clinic for the last 2 years of her marriage. I know this because from about 10/06 thru 8/07, she was my manager and I was the assistant manager. She would leave once a week to go to the clinic. I do care for her a great deal. Obviously more now than before. We have a great open communication. Last Wednesday we spent 2 hours just talking with no tv on. It was then that I realized how lonely I have been for the past 4 years.
    On a side note, the last 4 years I have gone from having A credit to now filing bankruptcy and walking away from my house. I don’t blame my current wife for that. I had some say, but it just goes to show you how blind I was. One more thing, my son does not like my current wife at all and “he would never marry her.”
    Even after all these things, the pain I still there and I still very much want to give it another try with the current wife even though I know it will just be disastrous.
    I have been sleeping on the couch and she is in the bedroom. I have filed for divorce and because of the situation we were in when we bought the house, she is able to walk away and buy another house.
    Even after all this stuff, the pain is real. What I am having a hard time determining is if this pain is because I love her and she is my soulmate or is it just guilt and shame of what I did and divorcing a second time.

    • ANSWER:
      I have been in your 'current wife's' shoes. I can tell you that it will be very difficult to pick up your relationship with her and move on, because you've damaged it (and her) in a way that is nearly impossible to repair. I filed for divorce from my ex. If I were your wife, you wouldn't be sleeping anywhere near the house. That's a dealbreaker for me.You'll be lucky if you can work things out with her...and it will never be the same.

      As for the other woman, well, I have zero sympathy for her. She is just as much in the wrong as you are. The reason things are all 'happy-flower-kitty-land' with her is that you have no everyday worries with her. You don't worry about bills together, you don't worry about who made what mess or who will clean it up, you don't referee the kids' arguments with her, you have nothing to worry about....yet. Once that baby is born, you will. Trust me.

35. QUESTION:
    Is there something wrong with my husband or am I just over analyzing his behavior?
    For starters I have already tried asking my husband about this problem. I have asked "what are you thinking?", "how was work?", "are you okay?", etc. Instead of giving me a fair answer he just replies with "just playing a game", "it was work", "just playing a game". I don't shower him with questions but I do try to ask him at least one question a day so maybe I'll catch him in a confessing mood and he'll share something with me.
    He goes to a psychologist, I think, once every week. I feel like he tells his psychologist everything and never tells me anything. Right now he is on depression and anxiety meds, but the thing is he never acts depressed! I know he finds his work really stressful, but aside from hardly talking to me he's always smiling and cheerful. I feel like maybe he feels stressed with our new life now too. We've been married for a little more than a year and have a three month old baby girl. Due to her insane eating habits in the late afternoon to about 10 pm (this nonstop eating is good because she'll sleep through the whole night, a good 8-10 hours), we have a smaller window to share our love for each other. I'll offer that we should instead try having sex in the early afternoon after he gets home from work but he doesn't say anything and will just come home and jump straight onto WOW and play until 9:30 pm when he then goes to bed since he gets up early in the morning. He will do this EVERY night. On average we have sex maybe 2-3 times a week which is always on the weekend. WOW is all he ever wants to do. I've tried asking him if he wants to go out and bowl, watch a movie, eat out, all without the baby but he always tells me he doesn't want to spend money or he wants to blow off steam from work. He only uses these excuses with me. When it comes down to his brother or friends he'll come home and change then immediately leave to do something. This troubles me because he just spontaneously decides to go out and do something with a friend but can never plan anything with me so I can find a babysitter for the baby.
    He gives me the impression that he doesn't want to do things with me and due to him never offering to help with the baby spontaneously now I feel he doesn't want to do anything with her either. He will talk to her and make her smile but if she's crying and I'm cooking he'll just sit there and occasionally glance at her but keep playing WOW. He just doesn't actually try with her. I cook for him every single day, I clean the house (although I have to admit I can get lazy in this subject sometimes), and I constantly do nice things for him without him asking. I feel like I have to force a conversation on him just to get a little attention away from WOW and onto me, and even then I feel like I'm talking to myself because sometimes he only responds with a nod or no response at all.
    He won't tell me anything and always plays it off as though he's completely fine and if I push further he will get frustrated. I just don't know what to do. I'm always around him at home so should I just give him some space so he can defuse completely? There is just no communication and to me that is seriously critical in a marriage. If you're a guy please tell me what you think he may be doing. It is impossible for me to read him. Hopefully I'm not over analyzing our situation and making things worse. I really appreciate it, and sorry for the length but I feel details were needed to explain.

    • ANSWER:
      Is there any way you could go & speak to his psychologist & have a talk with him. I KNOW it's patient confidentiality, but you could go with YOUR situation & possibly see or find out just how to handle things. He truly should be spending more time with you. Maybe come rite out & ask him if you could plan on getting a sitter for Sat. nite so both of you could go out for dinner. See what he says about that. IF he says no, ask him flat out why not. Try to get to the bottom of things once & for all. Say what you mean, mean what you say...best to you, honey...:)

36. QUESTION:
    Is it normal for a guy to only want a women to initiate sex?
    I guess it depends on the man but my husband never initiates sex. We have been married 30 years and looking back he never did. There was never intimacy in our marriage and over the years we have been having major communication problems over different things. We can't discuss anything without an argument and we never makeup after having one. In the past when I asked for him to back me up in decisions over the kids he wouldn't. His Mother told me once he doesn't like conflicts. I have been told that I still look good after having raised two children and we are now in our early 50's and are empty nesters. He sleeps on couch, we never agree on things lately, never have sex or even cuddle with each other. It almost seems like he is trying to find a way to make me leave him but doesn't want to be the bad guy and leave me. He went out and bought exercise equipment, is taking care of himself more than he use to. Spends more time on the computer and more time in the bathroom than I do. When I ask him if he has someone else in his life he says no. He comes home every night, just doesn't seem interested in us at all. I've questioned him if he is depressed and he says no. I like a guy to intiate sex but he never does and when I bring this up to him he doesn't want to talk about it or do anything about it. When I bring up the word sex he never wants to talk about it. If I tell a joke about sex he avoids it and never laughs.Sometimes he gets angry. As much as I don't like to be the one to initiate sex I have tried being with him and he has looked for excuses out of it. He has no friends that we get together with ( only my friends over the years) Looking back he was always like this but I never noticed it as much as I do now. I have heard that the best sex happens before the bedroom and that being best friends and communication is important in a marriage which is not what we have at all. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • ANSWER:
      Might want to get a hormone panel. Sounds like low testosterone. That can really affect both longevity and quality of life.

      The "not initiate" - I know that when my wife initiates I feel more wanted, loved, etc.. When I do it 100% then I feel like she absolutely hates being maritally intimate, and it really hurts me.

      He is doing a lot more than "not initiating". He sounds like he is systemically and systemically disengaging. Try reading "his needs/her needs" - it can give you a vocabulary for making trades that can start meeting more of your heart needs. It's a not-bad (<- this is guy speak) framework for having effective dialog.

37. QUESTION:
    How to communicate more effectively with my husband?
    I've never been the kind of girl who likes to sit and discuss my feelings, or relationships, or any of that kind of stuff. So, because of this, I usually just bottle up things that my husband says or does that piss me off or are hurtful, and let them slide. Before I go any further, let me tell you, its not all that often that he says something like that. He really goes out of his way to be extra kind to me. He's a great husband. But, I've always been unable to open up to him. For some reason, I can talk about my feelings with everyone else BUT him. Now, don't get me wrong, he's the sweetest guy in the world, and he wishes I would talk to him more, but I can't. I want to, but I just can't make myself do it. Sometimes, I'll sit there, fighting with myself to say something, and by the time I can get it out, the conversation has changed, and its too late. I get so frustrated with myself. So, in the end, I just end up distancing myself from him and appearing more aloof.

    So, I tried writing things down in notes to him. I find it easier to express myself that way. It seemed to be working, but then he tells me that I only write down the bad things, never anything good. He's right. I can say the good things out loud without any reservation, but the negative things or the things that upset me, I just can't see to get out. This is only with him, with the rest of the people in the world, if they get me mad, they will hear it right then and there. It's just him that I can't do this with. So, I started writing notes thanking him for all the good stuff he does, and how much I love him, bla bla bla... along with things that bother me. But, I feel like a high school kid passing notes. This isn't something that I really want to rely on as a way to communicate with him. It'd rather just come out with it.

    So, we tried couples therapy. I had no problem talking to the counselor, as long as my husband wasn't in the room. As soon as he gets in there, I clam up. So, the counselor gave me these exercises to try at home. Nope, didn't work at all. If anything, it made me feel more pressured to open up. I gave up on the counseling. To be honest, I'm not big on the idea of seeing a professional to deal with my communication skills. If I had major issues, sure, but for something like this, I thought it was a huge waste of money.

    We've had tried to put some time aside, without any distractions (no tv, kids, work, etc) to just sit down and discuss things. I've even made up a list of stuff that I want to talk about. But, when the time comes, its so awkward and forced that I just can't seem to go through with it. Its like it takes me hours and hours to warm up to the idea of just opening up, and then I chicken out.

    Its not like I have anything to hide, and other than my lack of communication, we have a great marriage. He's really the nicest person I know. I'm not afraid that if I say something to him, he's going to run away or leave me. Its nothing like that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm afraid of or what the problem is, but until I figure that out, I just can't go on like this.

    I believe for a marriage to be successful, you have to be able to communicate honestly and openly (along with love, trust and commitment). I'm starting to feel like this is driving a wedge between us and I'm worried that if I don't deal with it now, its going to cause bigger problems down the road. I already feel emotionally distant from him.

    Do any of you have this problem or is with someone like me? What have you done that would make this better?

    • ANSWER:
      I used to be like that. Sometimes you have to literally force yourself, bottling it up will make the relationship implode slowly. Force the little things out and work your way up.

38. QUESTION:
    are you an internet addict?
    if any of the following apply to you,you are an internet addict
    1)You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

    Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

    Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

    You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

    You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

    You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

    You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

    All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

    And even your night dreams are in HTML.

    You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

    You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

    Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

    You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

    When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

    Your pet has its own home page.

    You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

    You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.

    You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

    You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

    Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

    You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

    You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

    Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

    You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

    You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

    You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

    You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

    You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

    You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

    Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

    You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

    Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

    You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

    You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

    You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

    You forget what year it is.

    You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

    You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

    You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".

    You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.

    Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    @edward
    oh thank you!
    you helped so much!!!!!!!!!
    -__-

    • ANSWER:
      i didn't read all of that but even if none of those things apply to me, i know i'm an internet addict

      p.s. Edward Cullens above me!!

39. QUESTION:
    Why men cannot communicate, it is so frustrating especially when you get older...?
    I'v e been married 3x's, I'm a 50 yr. women who is back out there dating (ugh), although through my marriages, & marriage counsling I have learned a lot, & mostly "Communication is the Foundation" in any relationship, friends, family, husbands etc. I did just meet someone, we went out & had a great time, & the next day I started to really like him since we had a long phone conversation, & felt he was upfont, honest & communicative (he's 52), & just yesterday we spoke & I asked him a question & all of a sudden it was "I have to go". Such a ridiculous question no less, we spoke & he said he had another call & he just said "bye", & then click. He just hung up like that after he just told me how much he liked me. I texted him yesterday too since he was working & said "what's with this 'Bye & Click". Well no reply. So last night again I spoke to him & I asked him why he hangs up in that manner, when you can simply say I have to go, talk to later, or whatever so he obviousley new it bothers me right? This was his answer "stop rehashing the past". It's like he feels like his back is up against the wall & of course made me feel like I was a bother. Well our last call, last night the same thing & I seriously thought he was joking & did it again. I do not want to call or text him, just so confused. Is it men & why? Is it me, I really do not think so I just think like I stated "why can't a man communicate" especially at 52.

    • ANSWER:
      we don't like to talk, just for the sake of talking:

      its' insincere, pathetic, pandering and a waste of time !

40. QUESTION:
    Stay in my marriage or leave?
    My husband and I have had serious problems that has us in marriage counseling for the third time. This counselor has noted traits in my husband that point to him possibly having asperger's syndrome and is now seeing him alone and evaluating for that. I looked it up and it does sound a lot like him, lack of empathy, poor communication, social issues, preference for his personal obsession rather than spending time with family. Really to be more like a mother than spouse. It has basically killed any romantic feelings towards him. I am glad that finally there is an explanation, but the outcome is still not that good. Knowing it may be half the battle, but there are still the constant arguments as his views are skewed and yet he does not understand that. (We argued today whether he should continue to make personal, non-professional comments to a woman he sexually harrassed. He does not understand he needs to leave her alone and thinks it is ok to ask personal questions after txting her at one point last year, she smelled so good he wanted to climb between her legs.). I know he possibly has this and cannot help the way he is and I know I vowed through sickness or health, but I don't feel I can put up with the constant arguing for the next 10 years or so. Generally those with asperger's cannot be an equal partner in a marriage and that is what I want. Their spouse is generally neglected as they pursue their own interests (in his case Star Trek & electronics) which become obsessions. I am not getting my needs met unless I go outside the marriage. I do feel bad as the divorce rate for people with asperger's is higher than non-Asperger's. This would be his second divorce. I just feel knowing he may have this syndrome helps in explaining why he does what he does, nothing is changing, I will have to change and accept this is how things are going to be or I need to move on, butthinking that this marriage is all I will have this is the relationship that I will have with a man, no intimacy, constant explaining things and arguing is hard for me to deal with. Still, what kind of person leaves when they are told their spouse has a neurological disorder?

    • ANSWER:
      You're in counseling for the third time - that's a sign that the relationship just isn't working. But there is one thing that could change the relationship, and that is the diagnosis of Asperger's (assuming he does in fact have it). Receiving a diagnosis and therapy could help your husband understand himself and other people better. Researching Asperger's could help figure out what he thinks and feels, and better ways of getting through to him. If I were you, I would give it a couple months to see if anything changes after his evaluation. If things don't improve, it would probably be best for both of you to split up.

41. QUESTION:
    At what point in your marriage do you know it's truly over?
    After 8 years, is this the way marriage is doomed to be? The loss of passion, the lack of intimacy, a breakdown in communication, and sex that's only a physical release. It's sad really. You try over and over to get your message across, you go to marriage counseling and try to spice it up many times. One person always puts in more effort than the other. Then there's resentment. You keep forgiving the other's shortcomings primarily because you have your own, and it's harder to praise the good characteristics when you no longer see them. Your children see you fighting and it causes you more guilt and you finally stop fighting all together, and all the emotion and sexual frustration builds up and yet you try harder to make it work but you begin feeling less each time. I know I'd rather be alone than do this anymore and yet I want better for my spouse than what I am able to give him. Does this sound at all familiar to anyone? We're not depressed and neither of us are seeing other people.
    Believe me everyone, I know about the timeline marriages go through. I knew from the beginning that marriage was more about friendship, hard work and having a lifetime partner by my side as opposed to some fairytale. I've always been a realistic person and I don't expect or want a high giddy feeling. I need more than feelings here. I need companionship and someone that I have a connection with, someone I can count on, and for all I can see, we've lost that. We look at each other as if we are looking through each other and there's nothing to say anymore. I've never turned down sex with him in my life but emotionally I can't do it anymore because it's not an act of love or even pleasurable anymore. Not that sex is important but for me somethings wrong for me avoid it. It just feels wrong and empty when love isn't present.

    • ANSWER:
      You sound like what I'm going through right now....i could have asked this same question a couple weeks ago, but i was too chicken to put it out there as my spouse is on here too....i don't have any kids with him but he is custodial father to his two girls (12/16).
      One of our biggest issues over the last 9 years has been communication - the lack of it...we have fought constantly for the last 5 years and that's not fair to the kids....we finally have come to the conclusion that i have to leave. the home is his, was when i moved in...the kids are his (one of our biggest issues...i want kids of my own...he won't have anymore).
      Just think about those kids...i grew up in a home where my parents should have split up but stayed for the sake of the kids..my sister and i were miserable....we felt as though we were to blame for our parents being so sad all the time....
      I wish my spouse well and hope that he can find what he needs and wants in life, but i know that in order for me to be close to the happiness level that we started at...i need to go out on my own....
      I wish you luck with you decision and hope you will be happy...
      if you want to contact me you can...

42. QUESTION:
    How do I get an international divorce when the other party can not be found?
    As soon as I found out that he was using me to get into the states and questioned him about it, he says he can marry up to 4 women and is not worried about any divorce. I need to divorce this man. He has vanished. Don't know where he is at all. No communication whatsoever. He is muslim, which he failed to tell me at the time. He did tell me he no longer wants me as his wife, in muslim law, that is divorce there. I only files for a petiton to get him here, at first then I canceled it when I found out he was a liar. they did cancel it and all procedings were stopped. Now I am left with not knowing what to do and have very little income so I can not go to a lawyer. I need to do this on my own and do not know how to or where to start. I need help from anyone who has been in my shoes or knows of what I can do. I never filed any marriage things in the courts here. In the "contract" of marriage there, when we got married at the embassy, they put my mothers last name wrong and I know all thing
    I know all things on the marriage contract there are supposed to be right and it was not. It has been at least 7 months since I have had any contact. I do know that he moved and I do not know his address or where he is at all.. He never stepped foot in the states at all. And I am stuck to take care of this here. I am lost and feel stupid and do not know where to go from here. Please help me. I live in California, and I do intend one day to marry a us man one day and I dont need this mistake hanging over my head. The ex has no worries, coz he can marry up to 4 women with no problem. And he I do know with the last contact he still preys on women in these states and there is no way to stop him! I found this out when I got home from Egypt and saw he was still looking for more women, to see who can get him here faster! thats when I knew he was a con artist! He lives in Egypt or did live there. What do I do>?

    • ANSWER:
      you can just file a divorce regular. I don't believe you need a layer since you both have nothing together.. the sooner the better. When the court calls in for a hearing you tell them the truth and you will be good to go.. In this case they don't require the spouses signature. However if they need more information... they will let you know.
      Good luck

43. QUESTION:
    How do I Cope with My Sister's Marriage Decision?
    I have posted an earlier question, and am not satisfied with the answers I have received. My sister who's 26 is marrying a man who is 50, divorced and has a daughter 15 years of age. There's a 24 year old gap. A lot of people in the olden days and people nowadays think that is acceptable. They say that there is no limit to the age gap when it comes to love. I think it is hard to accept the concept of love when psychology and science explains all there is behind the chemistry of what is so called love. It is obvious the man wants to mate someone who's attractive and young like my sister, and it is obvious that my sister wants the security that an older man provides financially. Marrying for sex and for money are the wrong reasons people get married nowadays as marriage requires more than the both. It requires communications, trust and companionship. I am skeptical that the man likes my sister for the right reasons, and my sister for the right reasons he does. My sister says that her fiancee understands her more than her past younger boyfriends, but that her fiancee likes her because she is hardworking, beautiful, intelligent, and cares for her family (our family.) I think these are all qualities we desire from someone depending on what our values are. But these qualities do not have anything to do with communications, trust and companionship. These are important factors in a successful marriage - to want to get to know one another, our inner desires and support our goals and dreams. Doesn't this relationship require wanting to be with someone who's not only attractive with our own eyes, but with someone who's pleasant to be with? Someone who can paddle through the waves (ups and downs) of a relationship? I personally think that this man is making another mistake again by marrying with my sister. Personally, I think that my sister is very critical and hard to deal with on a personal level. I also think that the man she's marrying to is controlling, and suspect that he is divorced because he's controlled his ex-wife. My sister broke up with him once, and he threatened to ruin her caree and love life, and now they're back because he persuaded her to be with him.

    I don't want to deal with them both when they get into a fight, or when my sister asks for my help. I have been the subject of her criticism, and hold a lot of bitterness towards her. I have also advised that the age gap is too big - and that communications on a one to one level is going to be very difficult for both of them. I also advised her that her fiancee seems to be controlling, and that she has given in this relationship because they have talked again, and settled in again. And most likely his ex-wife divorced him because he was too controlling (after all, 2/3 of the divorces are initiated by women in the US and his behaviors only indicate that his previous divorce indicates that he's a controlling person.) Upfront, he seems to be nice and wants to receive our approval. But I'm not sure if I should give him my approval and be nice to him once they come in this week. Help!

    • ANSWER:
      You made your points to her. You gave her a bunch of reasons for not marrying him. Now you have 2 choices.

      You can either push him away, and your sister will marry him anyway. Your sister will be upset with you and you may lose your sister.

      Or you can accept that this is going to happen, be there for your sister and if things break down you will be there to help her.

44. QUESTION:
    Can someone help me with this marriage conundrum?
    Ok we been married 7 yrs and I have issues of past hurt that had never been addressed becuase everytime I try to talk to him I feel like Im inconveniencing him because he dont want to talk. And I didnt try to talk to him while hes busy or right after he gets home either. I always gave him is space. Few months ago he realised I was slipping away and he said he was 'ready to be a husband' and he wants to 'leave the past in the past'. In my mind the marriage was much over the day he refused to come to counseling with me when I asked him to.

    But I cant go anywhere because I got three kids with no job. Im going to shcool but thats about it I got no plan. Anyway, he says if I have something to say I should say it. I cant move foward until I address what caused my hurt in the first place so I try to address it in a calm non threatening way but then he ask me why I'm complaining so that shut me down. I dont want to sound like a complainer so I dont know how else to go about this.

    He ask me if I love him and I couldnt say yes or no because im confused. He's a good dad our sex life is good but maybe thats because I love sex and dont need to be in love to do it? But I think thats all there is to our marriage the sex and the kids, There really is no other communication or connection beyond that.

    So how do you address issues without sounding like a complainer?
    yes I had been going to conseling on my own, then i asked him. when he refused I continued going oon my own.

    • ANSWER:
      telling someone you are not happy, and what about, isn't complaining. It's telling the truth. He thinks it's complaning because it's about him. facts are facts..tell him whats on your mind, you will feel much better

45. QUESTION:
    When you don't want a divorce but see no alternative?
    My Husband and I are on the brink of divorce. In fact, we have agreed that it would be the best for us and for our children if we went our separate ways. The problem is, I don't really want to. I am so completely in love with my Husband that I don't want to be without him. Our problems are mostly with communication and issues that should be resolvable. If you looked at our marriage, I should be the one wanting out; and yet, I am the one "forgiving and forgetting" while he holds on to everything we have ever disagreed on.
    He has vocally made it clear over the last couple of years that he wants out. That I mean nothing to him, that he hates how I am "ruining" his life, that he doesn't care if I die or not, etc. Things that are so completely disrespectful to me as a person, his wife and mother to his children.
    I have never been nor do I care to be the type of person who makes someone stay when they don't want to. Nor do I care to make someone feel bad or guilty for wanting to leave. I have said he is free to go if he likes, but he stays. I have said he can have the divorce if that is what he wants and he wants to have it done immediately. However, unless I do it myself, I don't think it will get done as this has been said before. I really don't know what to do. Counseling won't do anything for us because he refuses to go and there isn't any point in my going if he isn't willing to work on us no matter what the situation is. I know I have to let him go because that is what he wants and I don't want to hold on to someone who doesn't want to stay; but my heart is tearing. I thought when he asked me to marry him that we would be married for life, not just a handful of years. I don't know what to do. I have to be strong for my children and yet all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. The worst part is not being able to understand his reasoning. How do I hold myself together, get my feet under me and give my babies a good life? How do I move on from the love-of-my-life and who, in my heart I feel is my soul-mate? I have been a stay-at-home Mom for a couple of years now, how do I get my own two feet under me in this economy? I am at a complete loss.......
    Martinque: You are right when you say he is down and rather depressed acting. I don't know if he has enough to seek out someone else or not. However, I know he has a fair number of temptations that would make it very, very easy for him without any effort. I asked him out right if he was or had seen anyone else during our marriage and he said no with a big smile. I don't know if he is just trying to push me away before I "leave him", if he really wants us to go and/or if he is seeing someone else. I just really don't know anymore...

    • ANSWER:

46. QUESTION:
    i have been asking questions to find out if kissing before marriage is a sin and everybody told me no?
    well actually it's a sin read below so for all the question i ask pertaining to it you are all wrong for telling me no that kissing before marriage is a sin

    please explain to me why kissing and especially passionately kissing with another person before marriage is not in our best interest? What does God say about it and why does he not want us to do it?" You can read my response by clicking HERE.
    Related Articles:
    Premarital Ethics
    A Kiss Is Just A Kiss?
    There are those who would argue that it is not wrong to kiss before marriage. To refute this we could look at statistics of couples who thought they could start the fire and shut it at will, and found they were wrong. We could state the number of pregnancies that started as "innocent" goodnight kisses. We could look at all the practical reasons not to kiss before marriage. But those who defend the activity might still say, "Perhaps it's best to refrain, but I don't see it condemned in the Bible, so it can't be sin." This is a weak argument at best.

    First, a definition of the term. Obviously, not every kind of extramarital kiss can be wrong. The apostle Paul expressly commands us, on several occasions, to greet one another with a holy kiss. (It would be a stretch to say that Paul was instructing husbands and wives to do something which normally requires no prompting). But premarital kissing does not fall under the same category as kissing a fellow believer, your sister, your dog or your parakeet. In Genesis 26 we read that God told Isaac to stay with the Philistines in lieu of going to Egypt. When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he told them that Rebekah was his sister, because she was beautiful, and he was afraid that the men would kill him to get at her. In verse 8 we read, "When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, "She is really your wife! Why did you say, 'She is my sister?'" This shows that there is a type of activity which is only appropriate with a wife, and not appropriate with a sister.

    What is premarital kissing? For the purpose of my argument, premarital kissing is engaging in that kind of kissing with someone other than one's spouse which is inappropriate with a sibling, in activity and motive. What is the purpose of such kissing? Some would say that it is a legitimate display of affection between a couple who is courting or (horrors) dating. But let's face it, it is not merely an innocent display of affection. It is a display of passion. See definition above. It is rather far-fetched to deny the intimate and emotional nature of a kiss. You would not kiss your mom or dad in the same way you kiss your wife or husband. If you're arguing for that type of kissing before marriage, no argument here. It's ok after marriage, too. But I am speaking of the type which is unique to a husband/wife relationship and imitators thereof. "If you wanna know if he really loves you so, it's in his kiss"?

    Kissing in this way outside of the bonds of marriage neither proves nor enhances true love. Rather, it proves, demonstrates, enhances a physical attraction that is Biblically classified as lust when not consecrated in marriage. While the physical aspect is a necessary ingredient in a marriage, it is not necessary for a premarital relationship. Rather, it hinders true communication between the couple. Why is premarital sex wrong? Isn't one reason that we are to keep ourselves pure for the person who will one day be our spouse? We may not have sex with anyone who is not our lawful spouse. Those who are single do not have a lawful spouse. Therefore, singles may not have sex. End of story. Now let me ask you a question. How happy would you be if, after taking wedding vows, your beloved passionately kissed someone other than you on the lips? I daresay you wouldn't like it much. If you would, then you are not being an imitator of God in His jealousy for what is His own, and should repent. Well, what right have we to kiss someone now in a way that is not lawful later? Can we not extend this to say: We may not kiss anyone who isn't our lawful spouse; someone who's single has no lawful spouse; therefore singles may not kiss? Take a moment to look at it this way. Let's assume for the moment that premarital kissing is permissible. For the purposes of the argument, it is fine for you to passionately kiss someone when you're single. Is the person you're kissing your husband or wife? Obviously not. Therefore, we have a premise: It is OK to kiss someone who is not your lawful spouse. Logically extending that idea, what is to prevent a married person from passionately kissing someone she/he isn't married to? What's that you say? "No, they can't"? Why ever not? It must have something to do with the nature of marriage and the nature of a passionate kiss.

    I maintain that the reason extramarital kissing is not permissible is that such kissing is sexual in nature. This agrees with both A and B. Working backwards, then, it would be wrong extramaritally, and it would be wrong premaritally. "Show me a verse that says 'No Kissing'", you say. "Scripture doesn't even mention it. You can't make me feel guilty for doing something the Bible doesn't forbid." There are many expressions of passion that are not specifically recognized in Scripture yet which are wrong to engage in outside of marriage. Can you find me a Scripture passage condemning petting, or other practices that don't go "all the way" to include the act of intercourse, yet involve passion and intimacy between unmarried persons? How about a passage that condemns homosexuals kissing? Or one that says you can't smash your neighbor's windshield? You can't, because they don't exist. And yet I hardly expect you to condone those practices. The key is that these actions are subsumed under the broader heading of "sexual immorality." I would submit that premarital kissing, because of its very nature, also falls into this category. The Heidelberg Catechism assures us that some sins are more heinous than others. Just because one sin is less heinous than another doesn't mean that it is not, therefore, sin. Christ himself warns us that if we hate our brother we have already murdered him in our heart. Therefore, hating our brother is sin. It is not punishable here on earth, but such a thought will be judged.(Matthew 5:22)

    The Scriptures command us to keep a heart that is clean and free from sin. We should not, we may not seek to go as far as we can without violating the letter of the law. When we so seek, we are already violating the spirit of the law. Cain tried the same trick, and it didn't do him good. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart God will not despise. (Psalm 51:17) Whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:28) How much more, then, has someone committed adultery who does not just confine himself to looking, but also touches in an inescapably sexual way?

    It is GOOD for a man not to touch a woman.(1 Corinthians 7:1) Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.(Galatians 5:16) Treat younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.(1 Timothy 5:2) Some have said that to them, kissing doesn't mean anything. I have acquaintances who kiss first and ask questions (like "What's your name?") later. This is dangerous, as demonstrated through the experience of one of those acquaintances. She felt that since kisses meant little, she owed something more than that to the boyfriend she "really loved." If such kissing is to mean anything, if it is to convey love and affection, passion and intimacy, as God ordained that it should, it is only properly done by a husband and a wife.

    • ANSWER:
      i see what you are talking about.. my roommate in college would is not going to kiss anyone until she is married..
      i see why people would not want to before they are married for their culture.. kissing usually leads to more.. and if you are restraining from things before marriage... you have to have a lot of control if you kiss

      as far as the Bible is concerned.. i think that you are correct it should be done only between a husband and a wife.... society today does not care about chasity until marriage.. but that is what God intended.

47. QUESTION:
    What political party would I be categorized as?
    I am a sixteen-year-old interested in politics but unsure of my placement. Based on my beliefs below, what party do I represent?

    - The legality of abortion, gay marriage, and drugs should be decided by the states.
    - Tighter border control is necessary to ensure illegal immigrants are kept OUT.
    - Jobs should not be shipped overseas. Money must be invested in America.
    - Government should not give bailouts.
    - People should have the right to own a gun, and no laws restricting their second amendment rights should be introduced.
    - I believe all legislation should abide by the Constitution, the supreme governance of the land, and politicians who have violated it should be charged with treason.
    - The PATRIOT Act should be repealed.
    - Television, internet, and other mediums of communication should be open and uncensored.
    - War is to be declared only by the congress and only when a threat on our national security is imminent.
    - There shall be no official language.
    - Government has no role in providing for the health care of citizens.
    - The welfare system should be axed and replaced by private charity.
    - The income tax should be axed and replaced by the Fair Tax.

    • ANSWER:
      Well, you sound pretty libertarian, I would say a Right Libertarian for the exact terms. Your stances on welfare, income tax, and a strict Constitutional view are conservative. Your views on the Patriot Act are Liberal and are libertarian. Your views on health care and immigration are also conservative. My views differ, but by the sharing of the Patriot Act and a few other stances I can tell that you are not Liberal or a Moderate by much, mostly a Conservative Libertarian of the Republican Party, but this doesn't mean you even have to be part of a party.

48. QUESTION:
    is there any hope left for us?
    I'm going through a difficult phase in my life. I used to be a happy go lucky person. But after marriage, I've been through a roller cosater ride...My husband of 5 years has abused me verbally, physically and mentally. I'm educated (have done my MBA) and I've been working before & after marraige here in the US. I take care of all the household chores and I'm very independent. Still nothing is enough to satisfy my hsuband's expectations. I have a year old daughter now. My husband is nothing but a programmed robot. He calls his family in India everyday and our day-to-day activities are entirely based on the advice he gets from his mother. Amma, my husband is also extremely controlling and totally baised... like its okay for him to spend thousands of dollars for buying toys for his sister's and brother's kids.. but I can't buy a shirt for my brother. When we go to India, all our luggage is packed with only toys for the kids in his family. He tells me I can always buy clothes in India.. so why take from here to wear over there? He has the least bit of respect for me and my family all for no reason. He gives so much importance to each and every person in his family but I don't get even 1% of all that attention. How long can things go like this? I have been very patient all these years.... but there's a limit for everything. I put up with all his abuse bcos I thought this is my afmily and he's mine. But even after 5 years of marriage, if there is no understanding betn us, I'm starting to lose hope. Also after 5 years of marraige and a kid, I want to live life on my terms and not on his. He's controlled me way too much. Like I've been giving all my salary 100% to him right from the day we got married. I have to beg him to give me 100$ for my personal expenses. Recently, my in-laws visited us on the pretext of helping me with my kid (since I'm also working). But they were creating more problems for me than being of any help. They totally brain-washed my husband not to help me with any hosehold chores. One day, when I was about to leave for work, I found out my car had a flat tyre. My husband did'nt even bother about it.. he left me in the lurch and left for work in his car. I had to walk 3 blocks to take the bus to the station from where I normally comuute to work. I'm getting fed up with him and his family.. bcos I do so much and they have the leasat bit of appreciation for me... instead, they are criticizing me for not being a good dil and so on... There's only so much I can do working full time and taking care of a less than a yr old baby after work. I'm mentally very depressed and sad to face all this in life. My parents are also feeling guilty that they married me off to the wrong guy after coming to know of all this. What should I do??? Should I continue to stay in a marriage where me & my husband have no common interests in life, have no open communication and zero sex life? My husband is otherwise a nice person and a doting father. Looks like he is nice to evrybody else in this world except me. What did I do for him to hate me so much. I've always given 100% for this relationship. But he doesnt seem to realize that.

    • ANSWER:
      Your marriage is in serious trouble. You need to tell him it is you or his family. I would not be giving him my check. Save up and get out of this terrible relationship or seek counseling. Tell him seek help or it is OVER...

49. QUESTION:
    Broken to pieces ... (?
    Hi everyone….

    Please read my problem and give me your genuine advise… I’m so confused and shattered and don’t know what to do… I sincerely value your honest opinions ….

    I am an Indian working in Europe. I was in a bad marriage for the past 9 years (divorce proceedings are going on now). Six years ago I met a wonderful guy who was my colleague in my previous company. We became friends and became close friends. This was mainly because both he and I had a lot of problems in our marriages (no physical or emotional communication existed with our spouses) so we began to share our problems and find solace in each other. We talked of everything and anything under the sun and we slowly fell in love. For the past 5 years we are in love. We are believers. Due to this my friend felt guilty 3 years ago and just sent me a break up note one evening telling me we’re sinning so we’ll break up (we’ve had physical relationships as well several times in the last 5 years). I was shattered to read this note and I cried my heart out for almost 2 months. Because of the deep love I had for him, I still talked with him when he used to call me on phone. After a year, he said he cannot live without having me in his life and tried to talk of love and stuff again… I told him its better we don’t go for a relationship again as its useless since we’re both married (although we were in dead marriages) and the guilt feeling wud still be there as long as we are in our current marriages. So he said we will not have a relationship for fun but we will unite in marriage some day. Since our marriages were still battlefields for us, we ended up in a relationship once again… Again we met up several times and had physical relationship many times but all the while in my mind I was with the feeling that this guy is going to be my husband one day. In the meanwhile, we spoke to our spouses of our failed marriages and suggested divorce. His wife came to know of our relationship and created a BIG scene… called my husband and made hell for me… I was separated from my husband mainly coz of our relationship. My friend was still staying with his wife and two kids. After all this, last December when my friend went to India his dad fired him for continuing relationship with me and because of this he again sent me a ‘break-up’ note saying we will part ways and sayin ‘sorry’ for the break-up and that said about God punishing, etc…. (the guy I thought is gonna marry me huh!!). I again cried my heart out for many days until he came back here after his holiday and again apologized for what he did and again, coz I was still madly in love with him kept quiet and accepted everything (I know I was like a dog going back to its vomit) … Again we continued to have the physical relationship (in the name of love!). Every time I talk with him on our union he keeps sayin some excuse or the other… finally he told me to get out of my marriage first and then he will get out coz otherwise everyone will say it’s for us to marry we’re doing it. I believed that and went and filed my divorce few months ago. My husband gave (and still is giving) me a real hard time by keeping my only child away from me coz of the divorce I filed. Our marriage was worthless anyway but our society never accepts divorce.

    Now this friend of mine says he is still ‘undecided’ on whether he wants to divorce and marry me. He has brought out many reasons such as his 2 children, his wife’s mental state, parents’ approval, etc… Above all that, he keeps saying he is praying about it and if it is God’s will it will happen. He says he is waiting for God to show him a sign on if he should divorce his wife or not! He initially told me he will file his divorce by December this year and if he doesn’t I can break up with him. Now he tells me he needs time until December this year to make a decision on his future (ie, whether he wants a divorce or not and whether he wants to have a life with me or not). This shatters me again. What do u guys think about this? Do you think he truly loves me? Do u think a guy who truly loved a woman would have excuses like this now and again? He keeps telling me he loves me and is serious about our relationship and at the same time he tells me he is still ‘undecided’ about his divorce and our union. Its so hard for me to believe he loves me coz I don’t think true love would have many conditions and criteria. I don’t know what to do…. I feel horrible and I feel my world is breaking apart (.

    Do u think I should wait until December for him to make a decision on our future? After 5 years if he still can’t decide, do u think another 6 months is going to give me a positive answer from him? I told him its difficult for me to wait hanging on the line like this for his answer ….. What do u think I should do? Please advise ………. I’m at the verge of a mental breakdown… (

    Please advise ......
    Please give me your honest opinions ...

    • ANSWER:

50. QUESTION:
    Should I ask for a divorce?
    I have come to a sad realization that I may no longer be "in love" with my spouse. To me love is more than a feeling or a commitment, it is a lifestyle of choices that two must make and feel everyday. I've been married to her for nearly 10 years and we have three boys together but I feel this marriage is a facade. We never communicate anymore, and when we do talk its so empty with no feeling. Within the last six months we've been talking divorce and she wanted to leave me on Thanksgiving Day, the week before Christmas, and two more times since then. I had asked for it in March and she would have done it but I buckled because I was nervous about being alone and raising the three kids by myself. Looking at the sad ten years of marriage she has always acted like this where she is selfish. We went to Disneyland and she complained. Anytime I plan a trip it never is right for her. And the bad thing is that even the small things around the house, I can't do anything right in her opinion. She overly criticizes me, never complements me and I feel like what put any kind of effort into our relationship. I try to be a good husband/father but I feel that my efforts are unappreciated and she is just overly critical because she is unhappy. The problem is that I had asked for her and I to attend marriage counseling, marriage enrichment or a couples communication and therapy. But she has declined. She feels that I may have depression or hit the 30-year-old-itch with midlife crisis but I think it is more than that. I've come to realize that I can't make her happy and when she puts me down it really hurts. She is controlling and verbally abusive to me, she has hit me numerous times and I think I only put up with it because I thought I was "in love" but really I think I was "trapped" with kids. We argue nearly every day and it is so draining. I just feel exhausted when I come home and to be in a loveless marriage is horrible. It has taken a toll on me in my relationship because I feel so tired that I don't enjoy the time I spend with my kids because I waste my energy with her and it causes me overreact and yell at them. Honestly I would rather be back in Iraq then stay with her. Many of my friends "volunteer" because they also have troubled marriages. I think there is something wrong if one would rather be in a war than at home. I feel like I want to ask her for a divorce now. I've given her 10 years and she is in her mid thirties, she won't change and me being in my early thirties I won't change either. Would you divorce even if you knew it would be expensive and cause an inconvienence? Has anyone stayed married for the kids? Was it worth it? What would be the best way to ask for a divorce?

    • ANSWER:
      my parents stayed together for us kids and it was never a happy home life. kids are tough and can handle a divorce better than u think they can. no it wasn't worth it for them. they were both miserable. life is too short to feel this way and if she won't go to therapy with u, than u tried and failed with her. u at least gave her the option which is more than allot of men would do.